Before any of us can rebuke his comment, the door is slammed shut and we’re spe
eding down the road. The silence is so thick a chainsaw wouldn’t be able to hack through it. I keep my eyes down, unable to face my friends, my family. I don’t want to know what they’re thinking and I’m in no mood to tell them what I am. They don’t need to know that I’ve been considering moving back to L.A., that I’ve been trying to find a way to make it work before I give Josie the proposal. Each time I think about bringing it up, I remind myself of how selfish I am for even considering it. I came back to Beaumont for her and Noah. They didn’t come for me.
I don’t realize that we’ve stopped until the door is open and the driver is welcoming us to the Wilshire. I’m suddenly sick to my stomach with fear, thinking that as soon as I step out of this car and onto the streets of Los Angeles, I’m making yet another mistake. It seems fitting since the last time I made a life-altering mistake it had to do with this place. There’s a power here that controls you, it guides and destroys if you’re not careful. I need to be careful.
“Welcome home, Mr. Page. The Wilshire family has missed you.” A short brunette greets me and instantly wraps her arm in mine before she guides us into the lobby. Harrison and JD are left behind with the bags. I try to stop and wait with them, but her grip is firm and before I know it, we’re in front of the elevator for the penthouses. Pulling my arm out, I put my hand up.
“I need to wait for my friends.”
This doesn’t seem to please her, evident by the frown on her face, but I don’t care. For all I know she’s an escort sent by Moreno. If he’s testing my loyalty to Josie, he’s a moron. There isn’t a chick on this planet that can compete with my wife. And every other woman I’ve ever been with, including his daughter, I always compared to my Jojo. That should tell him something.
Harrison frowns when I reach him, and I just shake my head. I have no doubt we’re thinking the same thing. As much as it would skyrocket our career, bring us to the forefront of mainstream, being with Moreno Entertainment is deadly. I hate to admit he’s right, though, we need him, or someone like him. The only benefit of working with him is getting to stay in Beaumont. Everyone else will want us here or in New York.
As soon as we’re checked in and keys are handed over, we’re dragging our sorry asses into the elevator. Too many thoughts are filtering through my mind as we speed to the top floors and it takes a shoulder bump from JD to let me know we’re about to get off.
We go opposite ways, each of us with our own places. We did this because Jenna and Eden are coming out in a few days to stay with JD. No one needs to be privy to what goes on behind their closed door. It makes me wonder if Katelyn will bring the kids out. I’m sure if she does, they’ll stay at their beach house. And that leaves me. Josie won’t fly to LA because of the café, and Noah’s baseball schedule... and the fact that the baby will be here any day now. I’ll be left alone to contemplate and stress about the band and whether we’re going to continue. We have two options: Stay in Beaumont and do small shows every now and again, or return to the band we were when we were in high demand. I miss those days.
Opening the door to the penthouse, it’s like déjà vu; even though this isn’t the one I used to live in, it’s just decorated the same. It’s an eerie feeling, being back here, and realizing how easy... and yet lonely... my life really was.
Last night I lay in bed and cried. I let my tears soak Liam’s pillow as I hugged it to my chest. Every thought I had ended up the same… my husband is gone. It’s not the first time he’s gone on tour. He’s been to New York to see their somewhat manager, Gary. Each time I’ve been okay with his trips, until now. There’s something about Los Angeles that scares me. I can’t put my finger on it, aside from the fact that it’s the place that ended us. If his grandmother hadn’t lived there, he would’ve never gone. Liam could’ve easily played music while living in Texas for college or… no, there isn’t an “or” because LA was his calling and he probably would’ve ended up there with or without his grandma.
The house feels empty even though everything is still in its place. Everywhere I look, I see Liam. I just can’t sense him. I flick the light illuminating our closet. Most of his clothes are gone, which is hard for me to fathom. If this trip is supposed to be short, why did he need to take everything? Wouldn’t he just pack a few things, enough to get him by? His missing wardrobe feels like there’s finality in this situation, that we’re over, but he couldn’t tell me. I know better than to think like that.
I pick up a few of his things that are scattered on the floor and put them in the hamper before making my way into the bathroom. Every woman dreams of having a master suite with a large walk in closet and a bathroom big enough so that two people can share without feeling cramped. At one point, this was my dream. When I was younger, I knew what football players were making and how lavishly they lived. I selfishly wanted that. I wanted our house to be featured on television and written about in the press. It was my dream to live like Cinderella after I married my prince. And now that I have it, I’d give it all up just to have Liam walk through the door with a shit-eating grin on his face, announcing he’s home.
It’s not going to happen. That’s what I tell myself as I look at my reflection in the mirror. The lack of sleep is evident by the puffy bags under my eyes. Coupled with my blood-shot-red-rimmed eyes, it looks like I’ve been on an all-night bender. He hasn’t even been gone twenty-four hours and I already look like death. I’m not sure I have enough concealer or eye drops to hide the fact that I’m a wreck.
“The girls will look the same,” I mutter to the mirror that sadly doesn’t answer. It’s ridiculous that I hope Katelyn and Jenna had the same shitty night I did.
After a long, hot shower, doing my hair and attempting to conceal the bags under my eyes, I’m stepping into a baby blue sundress. Today is my baby shower, or rather a shower for the baby boy we’re about to adopt. I told the girls that I didn’t need one, but they insisted.
As I smooth down the front of my dress, my hand rests over my stomach. The absence of a baby there while having a baby shower is not lost on me. I’m over the moon that we’re able to adopt... that Aubrey was kind of enough to think of us... but having our own child is something I wanted Liam to experience with me. Now he’s not even experiencing this moment and I find myself wondering if I were as pregnant as Meredith is now, would he have left… again? I try not to compare the first time to now. Had Liam known, he would’ve stayed.
When I get downstairs, Noah is sitting at the table with his hands folded. He looks up and smiles, reminding me of a young Liam, and dressed in his Sunday best. I can’t get over how much he resembles his father and as long as he doesn’t act like him, I’ll be okay. I know what Liam was like in high school because I was on the receiving end. I shudder at the thought of Noah taking girls to the dugouts, or having sex in this car. I have promised myself, though, that I’ll be accepting of any girl he brings home. I’ll never make her feel unwanted, whether I like her or not. No one should have to go through what I did.
“Are you ready?”
He rolls his eyes and stands reluctantly.
“Quinn will be there.”
Noah shrugs. I know he and Quinn don’t always get along. Noah loves his sports while Quinn is more artistic. They both enjoy music and video games, but Noah is more drawn to Peyton and I think it’s because he’s known her longer and they share a bond over Mason. I also think that Noah resents Quinn a little because he’s grown up with Liam, something Noah didn’t have a chance to do.
The drive over to Katelyn’s is quiet. Noah stares out the window, only turning his head more when he sees some of his friends at the park.
“You can go later if you want,” I tell him as we drive past.
“I’ll call my… Nick,” he says, finishing his sentence. I pat his leg, only for him to move slightly away. The gesture isn’t lost on me. He’s getting older and having his mom touch him isn’t cool.
“I know Nick will like that.” Nick wants to tell Noah that Aubrey is pregnant. I just hope Noah takes it better than the adoption news. He doesn’t realize this now, but I have a feeling he’s going to be an amazing big brother.
The neighborhood where Harrison and Katelyn live is lined with cars. As I make my way to their house there’s a spot in the driveway saying “Reserved for Expectant Mom”.
“I think that’s where you park,” Noah says as I pull in.
“You think so?” I ask, hoping to engage him in a little bit of conversation.
“Yeah, they need you close so you can carry all that crap you’re getting today.”