“I don’t want to sell the house. Ruby … she was born there; it’s all she knows. And the thought of her having to come see me in my apartment …” I pause in order to swallow the frog that’s nestled in my airways. “I can’t.”
“Think this over, Rory. We have time to respond to the request.” He pushes the papers toward me again, but I don’t reach for them. I can’t. Everything in me seems broken. The love of my life wants to clean me out, and I’m going to let her.
“What are you thinking?” he asks.
“Aside from the fact that I don’t want a divorce? That I’ll give Gwen whatever she asks for because of Ruby.”
Terence removes his glasses and sets them on the desk. “Do me a favor. Talk to Gwen. See if you can work something out that benefits the both of you.”
He has given me an idea. I’ll talk to Gwen, but it won’t be regarding a settlement. I’m going to do what I should’ve done all along, be the husband and father I’m supposed to be because the only agreement that seems amenable is the one where we’re a family again.
I’m going to get my family back.
Chapter Two
Gwen
Ruby sings her made-up version of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” while I try to tame her naturally curly hair. Her green eyes meet mine as I stand behind her, looking at both of us in the mirror that sits atop my dresser.
“May I wear my new shoes?”
“Not today. They’re for the Christmas party at church.”
“Aren’t we going to church?” she asks, raising her tiny eyebrow. Lately, she’s been trying my patience. My therapist says it’s because she’s angry with me. It doesn’t matter what I say or do, it’s always wrong or questioned.
“Sort of. We’re going with your church group to go ice-skating today.”
“I’ve never been ice-skating with the church before.”
“I know, but your cousins will be there. They’ll skate with you.”
“What about Daddy?”
“What about him?”
“Does he know how to ice-skate?”
“He does, but he’s at work.” Or so I guess. Every so often, I find myself sitting on one of the benches in the park, looking toward his office, wondering what he’s doing. Is he eating right? Did he learn to iron his clothes? What does he do for dinner? Then I remember I gave up these jobs, and how he’s faring has nothing to do with me.
Yet absolutely nothing has changed. Ruby and I still eat dinner by ourselves. I still take her to school, to all her appointments, and do everything I was doing when Rory was living with us. I swear, if Ruby didn’t see him for visitation, she would’ve never realized he wasn’t living here anymore.
I’m bitter. I’m also angry, sad, hurt, and confused. I thought that telling Rory I wanted a divorce would be a lightbulb moment for him, but it wasn’t.
I wish I could turn off the emotions, but I can’t. At night, I lie in bed and cry because I always saw myself with the perfect family. It used to feel so trivial, wishing Rory was home more, but his long work hours afforded me the luxury of staying home with Ruby. When she started school, I thought about getting a job. I mentioned it a few times, but Rory told me to stay home. Little did I know that staying home meant he wouldn’t be.
I tried hard to keep my divorce secret, but the moment Rory asked for a room at the Cozy Cottage, my phone started ringing off the hook. The questions were rapid fire: Did he cheat? Who with? Is he abusive? Do I want to get together and talk about it? One cup of coffee and a piece of pie later, and I’m spilling my troubles to my friends. I knew better, but it felt good to talk about what I was going through with Rory. The drawback is that now everyone knows. No one can keep a secret in Friendship. The looks are there no matter where I go. Either people appear sorry for me or they refuse to make eye contact.
Is it not much to ask of Rory to be different, to put his family first, to put our marriage first? But he never has. He has to want to, and I’m not sure that he can.
“Am I done?” Ruby’s voice shakes me from my thoughts. I smile softly and nod, hoping she dashes from my room before the tears start to fall. I try not to let her see me cry, because she doesn’t understand. She says I shouldn’t cry since I made Rory leave. Maybe she’s right. I made him leave when I should’ve ask him to fight for us, to find solid ground where we could exist as a family.
I stare at myself in the mirror and dab a bit of blush onto my cheeks to give them a pink hue. Over the past few months, concealer has become my best friend. It hides the dark bags under my eyes and the red blotchy spots I often end up with after crying. Squaring my shoulders, I smile and tell myself that everything will be okay, that I’ll be okay.
“I’m ready.” Ruby stands in my doorway. She has on her peacoat along with snow boots, and nothing else, as far as I can tell.
“Thank you for getting ready, but we’re going to be playing outside. Can you put on your snowsuit?”
Ruby nods. “Do you think Daddy will be there?” There’s sorrow in her voice. I know she misses him. I do, too, but I can’t change how I feel, even if my heart is screaming to give Rory a chance. He’s had plenty.