“I think you’re entitled to be, don’t you? How’re the girls holding up?” I asked, referring to Ronnie’s two daughters, both of whom were happily married with children.
“About as well as can be expected. After the funeral, I’m going to stay on Megan’s ranch for a little while until I decide whether or not to keep the house.”
“Does she still have the same horse ranch out in Wyoming?” I asked, remembering Ronnie telling me stories about how peaceful it was there.
“Yes, it’s the same one. They take in tourists from June to September, so I’m used to staying with her in the summers to help out. I have my own little cottage on the grounds, and it’s much easier to maintain than this big house. Ronnie preferred that I wasn’t alone when he was on the racing circuit, and I like having Megan close by for company,” she explained.
As soon as she mentioned Ronnie’s name, I was flooded with guilt.
“It’s okay to talk about him you know,” she said with a sad smile.
“You know that it’s supposed to be me comforting you, right?” I said as she threaded her arm through mine and pulled me toward the house. As soon as I walked through the door, I felt like he was there with me. Black-and-white pictures of Ronnie with racing royalty lined the hallway. His sheer joy for the sport was obvious from the happy, exuberant smile on his face. We wandered through the family room, and I noticed various racing trophies interspersed with more personal, family photographs. I stopped dead in my tracks when I caught sight of a picture of me.
“Why would he have this?” I mumbled to myself. It wasn’t a staged photograph like the racing ones. It was a candid black-and-white shot, taken in an unguarded moment that blended in seamlessly with the rest of the family memories. I remembered the moment vividly. The two of us were examining a Formula One engine. It was the first Formula One engine I’d ever seen, and I’d been like a kid at Christmas, full of energy and enthusiasm and bombarding Ronnie with a million questions faster than he could answer them. In the picture, I was smiling at the camera, and he was looking at me with such a fierce expression of pride. To a stranger, we’d look like father and son.
“Why wouldn’t he have it?” Nancy asked.
“Because he hated me in the end. He was so disappointed with me for partying so hard and not making the most of my opportunities,” I said.
“Sit down, Jensen,” she ordered, patting at the seat next to her. I obeyed without question.
“He was never disappointed in you. He was disappointed in himself,” she explained.
“Why?” I asked in complete shock.
“You were twenty-three when you hit the Formula One circuit. Jensen, that’s almost completely unprecedented. You went from poverty one minute to having the world at your feet the next. What young man with those same opportunities wouldn’t make the same choices you made?
“If Ronnie was disappointed, it’s because he felt as though he hadn’t prepared you enough or shielded you enough from the hordes of people who all wanted a piece of you. People who take and take and take until there’s nothing left. He didn’t want that kind of life for you.
“But don’t ever think he hated you, or that he was angry. He loved you, Jensen, and he was so proud of you. It was his own stupid pride kept him from calling. In fact, if you both hadn’t made up by Christmas, the girls and I had planned to stage an intervention and bang both your heads together until you saw sense.”
“If I’d just picked up the phone,” I said, swallowing hard. “But now it’s too late.”
“Messing things up only means we’re human. It’s how we deal with these things that define who we are. You can either accept your mistakes and learn from them or you can let them consume you. If you want to make peace with your past, you have to make peace with yourself. Remember what he taught you, remember the love he had for you, and live a good life. Be happy. And I promise he’ll be smiling down on you wherever he is,” she said.
“How did he get lucky enough to find you, Nancy?” I asked, genuinely floored by the size of this woman’s heart and her capacity to show so much compassion when she must be in so much pain.
“Oh, I said no quite a few times, believe me. My parents wanted me to marry a nice doctor, so you can imagine how they felt about the idea of Ronnie and me. It didn’t matter that he went on to run a successful Formula One team. Up until the day he died, my dad thought of him as a glorified grease monkey. But Lord that man could charm the birds down from the trees. He wore me down until I said yes, and not once did I ever regret my decision. I wish the same thing for you, my boy,” she said.
“With the kind of life I lead? Traveling the world, chasing race after race. It would take a miracle to find a girl who could fall in love with a guy like me,” I said.
“I believe that everything that happens in the universe happens for a reason. Sometimes you need to experience the bad to recognize the good. Your miracle will come, Jensen. Just you wait and see. Christmas is a time for miracles, and if you and I haven’t earned some good news, I don’t know who has,” she replied. “Now, let’s put the kettle on shall we? I know how you Brits love a nice cup of tea in a crisis.”
“What would you say if I told you I’d met someone here in town?” I said sheepishly. It worried me that she might find my interest in Lauren disrespectful to Ronnie’s memory, given that the only reason I was in town was for his funeral.
“Jensen, that’s wonderful news! Who is she? How did you meet?” Nancy asked.
“Her name is Lauren Matthews, and she’s amazing,” I said, leaning against her kitchen counter as she puttered about making tea.
“Stephen Matthew’s daughter?” she asked as she stopped to turn and face me.
“Is that her father’s name?” I replied.
“Jensen, be very careful. Stephen Matthews has only been here a couple of weeks, but he’s already made quite a name for himself. He’s trouble, and if that girl is made of the same stuff as her father, she’s bad news,” Nancy said sternly.
“She seems really nice, Nancy, honestly. But thanks for the warning. I’ll keep it in mind,” I replied.
I wanted so badly to defend Lauren’s honor. To argue that she was a good person. But Nancy was the widow of the only father I’d ever had. Her opinion was important to me, and more importantly, I couldn’t face disappointing her like I’d disappointed Ronnie.