“I want to be more than just your client,” I said.
“Well, you can’t be,” she said. “I’m hired by you to protect you, not be your girlfriend. You can’t pay me and have me be your girlfriend.”
“You’re already faking it to a couple of people. Why not make it official?”
“Because that’s two ticks short of being a hired escort, which is something I’m not. I’m your security guard. Your bodyguard sent here to protect you from whoever the fuck’s trying to kill you, Derek.”
“You’re not leaving until we talk about this.”
“The only person who has any control in this arena right now is me. And if I feel you’ve been psychologically compromised, I’ll remove you in a heartbeat.”
“Whisk me away to the funny farm because I want to have a relationship with you?” I asked. “Are you that afraid of being vulnerable with me?”
“I knew this was a mistake,” she said as she shook her head. “I knew it was a mistake the moment you stepped into that bathroom in Vegas, and I should’ve listened to my gut. But this is over between the two of us. Whatever this little dance is, it’s done.”
“Is that really what you want? Do I have to give you permission to enjoy yourself again?”
“You don’t have to give me permission to do anything! Mark my words, Derek Steele, when this is over, and I figure out who the hell’s trying to kill you, I’m moving onto the next job. Chemistry is one thing, but this isn’t even real. Everything you’re feeling right now is heightened by the fact that you’re in danger and that I’m trying to keep you from it. Do you know who Florence Nightingale is?”
“No,” I said as I crossed my hands over my chest. “Enlighten me.”
“She’s the founder of modern nursing, but it’s also a psychological phenomenon. It’s when someone who’s being taken care of attaches themselves emotionally to the caregiver.”
“You think I want to be with you because you’re protecting me.”
“And once I leave, those emotions will fade,” she said.
“So you think how I feel for you is all just an adrenaline-laced fantasy.”
“I know it is,” she said. “None of this is real. Nothing between us is anything else than a misfiring of chemicals in the brain.”
“You could technically argue that any emotion is.”
“I always argue that any emotion is. The only thing that makes that emotion real is the context with which it’s interpreted. Happiness is a chemical reaction, but the true depth of happiness is being able to conjure that chemical reaction when you need it. Love is a chemical reaction, but the true depth of it is being able to conjure it during the bleakest of times.”
“How is that any different from this? I’d say this is pretty bleak,” I said.
“You’re not in love, Derek. You're infatuated with someone who is protecting you. We’ve been thrust together by your need to survive, so you’re clinging to me because I can help you do that. Sex is a normal release for when someone gets overworked or overstressed like you and I both have been. But once I leave, you won’t be able to conjure these same feelings. That’s the difference between actual love and what’s going on here.”
“That what happens with this Florence Nightingale thing?” I asked.
“Yes. When the caregiver leaves, the feelings dissipate. They don’t grow. They don’t bubble. They don’t do anything but disappear because they can’t be conjured. Because they weren’t rooted in anything.”
I nodded as I tossed my gaze out the window. What I’d wanted was a confrontation, and I had gotten it. Not only did she think sleeping with me was a mistake, but she thought I had lost my mind and that I was using her as some form of stress release because of my life being threatened. In her view, I was nothing more than the playboys who surrounded me in the business world.
Just a fuck-toy.
That was what she thought I saw her as.
“If you’re that convinced—”
“I’m not convinced. It’s simple truth,” Sam said.