“But enough did?” I thought a moment. “Why did your parents want you to be your sister’s watchdog, then? Why did they trust you?”
“A therapist told them that was the best way to deal with me, make me more responsible. This all happened the year before Summer’s problem. I haven’t been in any serious trouble since, so . . . it’s all stupid and complicated, and I’m sick of it.
“I’m sick of living in a theater, walking and talking on a stage, playing a role every time we go anywhere or do anything, answering inane questions about my parents, fading into the background so as not to disturb their precious careers. I have to tiptoe through adolescence so as not to bring any untoward attention their way.
“How would you like to be lectured by a publicist when you were ten and eleven? Taught how to avoid the paparazzi, be schooled on how to answer questions and bawled out for telling too much about your family?
“How would you like to feel that your own parents regretted having you at all?”
The expression on my face angered him instead of giving him a sense of sympathy.
“Wish now that you didn’t get involved with me at all? Sorry about it? Sorry you invited me to join you this weekend?”
“No, of course not.”
“You have your own problems, I know. You don’t need my baggage on top of yours.”
“Stop it, Ryder. The only reason I agreed to meet Kiera was that it would give us an opportunity to be together without everyone watching us. I’m happy to take the risk, and don’t delude yourself into thinking I’m not. When or if Donald March finds out I’ve defied him, he’ll probably move to get me out of the March household.”
Ryder was silent. Behind us, the student body was moving toward the cafeteria. The chatter was loud, as were the laughter and some students calling to others, but neither of us seemed to hear anything but the beating of our own hearts.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I guess I’m just angry about everything and taking it out on you, the one person I should cherish and protect.”
“Let’s not dwell on it anymore. Here are the directions and the motel’s address,” I said. “I’ll be waiting for you.”
He took the paper and put it between the pages of one of his books.
“I’m supposed to have lunch with my sister today. It’s one of their brilliant solutions to seeing that we get along and make things hunky-dory. We both had to swear to try, so I’m in another performance for a while. As soon as the bell rings to end lunch, I’ll pretend to be going in for class, but I’ll go out to my car and follow you.”
“I won’t be angry at you if you change your mind at the last minute, Ryder.”
“I’d be angry at myself,” he said. He looked behind us, and then he stepped back into the corner and pulled me toward him so he could give me a kiss. “See you soon,” he whispered, and walked quickly into the school to head for the cafeteria.
I glanced after him and then lowered my head and started into the parking lot and to my car. I hadn’t told anyone that I was leaving early today, so it would come as a big surprise. I was sure it would be a topic of conversation for the rest of the day. I could envision Jessica pretending she knew something but was sworn to secrecy.
After I got into my car, I sat quietly for a few moments. My good and bad angels were screaming at each other. Not only was I being defiant and as deceptive as Kiera had ever been, but I was also getting Ryder into more trouble. All of this was so uncharacteristic of me. I couldn’t deny that it was selfish. Was I behaving more like my father than my mother? Even though he had deserted me, I had his genes. He was biologically as much a part of me as my mother was. All these years, I had denied that because he had denied me, but it wasn’t a realistic thing to do.
And yet I told myself that my defiance wasn’t born only out of my selfishness. What was happening to Ryder and me was unfair. We needed this time together. Afterward, no matter what the consequences were, we would be stronger. I felt confident of that. Besides, if we did everything we were told to do now, the jealous and mean people around us would have won.
Strengthened with my resolve, I started the car and backed out of my parking spot.
I didn’t look back.
It was time to look only ahead.
We can change our destinies, Mama, I thought.
I remembered taking her hand after we had sat on the beach for a long time watching the sun sink beneath the horizon. She had looked at me with surprise and then smiled.
“Time to go home?” she had asked.
“Yes, Mama,” I had said, and we rose. She still held on to my hand as we plodded on down the beach. I had no idea where we would go that night or what home meant anymore, but we had walked on as if we both did.
That’s the way I felt right now.
15
Kiera’s Return