As I was heading toward the girls’ room, I looked out the side door that opened to the ballfields and saw Ryder sitting on a railing and looking down. I hesitated and then headed for the door. He looked up when I stepped out.
“Class over? I didn’t hear the bell,” he said, looking as if I had caught him doing something illegal.
“No, I was finished and asked to go to the girls’ room.”
“Is it out here?”
“Very funny. I thought you were going to the boys’ room.”
“That is out here,” he said, and I laughed. He looked away.
“You hate it here, don’t you?” I asked.
“Not any more than I hated where I was,” he said, turning back. “You look pretty content. How come you’re so popular?”
“Who said I was?”
“Didn’t take me long to see that. What are you, disabled? That’s what someone with modesty would be here.”
“Is that why you seem to be having trouble making many friends?”
“Friends? People don’t make friends here. They make contacts. They use each other. It’s in the air.”
“Didn’t you have any real friends in your previous school?”
“No, and I didn’t have any in grade school, either.” He glared at me, his eyes narrowing. “What’s your idea of a friend, anyway? Someone to share lipstick with?”
“No. My God, you’re so bitter.”
The bell rang, and he slipped off the railing.
“So,” he said, reaching for the door. “Next time you want to talk to me, bring some sugar.”
“I thought I had!” I shouted after him. He didn’t look back. I stamped the ground, hating myself for even making an effort. Maybe the girls were right about him, I thought, and vowed to do my best to ignore him.
I certainly wouldn’t dream about him, I told myself, and opened the door.
I didn’t calm down fast, either. Jessica and Joey came rushing toward me when they saw me.
“Was that a plan you made with him?” Jessica asked.
“What?”
“Getting out of class together like that. Did you and Ryder plan that?”
“Get real,” I said, starting away. My rage felt like fire around my face.
“We saw you come in the door soon after he did,” Joey called after me. “You were out there with him, weren’t you?”
I turned around and smiled. “I was out there with Nobody,” I said, and continued walking away.
4
Jordan’s Secret
Whenever you get angry, you lose control of yourself in so many ways,” my mother told me almost every time she got angry at my father. “No matter what, in the end, you’re always the one who loses. Remember that.”
The immediate result of my rage took place in my next class. I was fuming so much I wasn’t paying any attention, and when I was called on to answer a question, I didn’t even realize I had been called upon, much less answer the question. The resounding sound of my name being repeated snapped me out of it. I saw everyone was looking my way—everyone but Ryder, who kept his face fixed forward as though he couldn’t care less.