She paused like someone stuck in a memory for a moment and then shuddered and forced a smile.
“Anyway, forget all that. We should talk only about happy, exciting things.”
She turned back to the computer and started to pull up wedding gowns on the Internet, but then she stopped again and turned back to me.
“How did you do it? How did you get Liam to fall in love with you so fast?” She blushed and lowered her eyes. “I’ll confide in you the way I would confide in a sister. I’m trying to get Clifford to fall head over heels in love with me. I know I love him.”
“Did you tell him that?”
“Oh, no.”
“I don’t know that there is any secret way to get someone to fall in love with you,” I said. “I know it doesn’t sound very scientific, but there has to be something mysterious and at the same time obvious to both. I think it takes a great deal of trust to tell someone you love him. It’s the most revealing thing of all. You’ve totally exposed yourself, and I imagine being rejected after that is devastating.”
She stared at me and then tilted her head a little when she smiled. “Why do I feel that you’re way older than I am?”
Her question reminded me of my discussion with Michele Levy, Mr. Dolan’s pregnant secretary, the first time I had met her. I gave Julia a similar answer. “It’s not time that ages you; it’s the experiences you have.”
She nodded. “Yes, I keep forgetting what a miserable family life you’ve had. That’s because you don’t wear it on your sleeve like I do, I’m sure. At least, you don’t when you’re with me and obviously when you’re at work and with Liam. My great-auntie Amelia says you’re never a sourpuss, either.
“I don’t know how you do it,” she continued. “Every time I see a mother with her child at the hospital, see how devoted and concerned she is, I feel a pang of envy and then a surge of bitterness. Of course, Liam can’t remember her as well. He was only four, but I remember my mother, vaguely. It’s still enough to invade my dreams and thoughts with visions of her face, memories of her voice, flashing pictures, if you know what I mean. Mrs. Wakefield has been wonderful and devoted, but no one replaces a mother, not really. Oh, I’m sorry,” she cried, shaking herself as if to get some insects off her back and shoulders. “I keep pulling us back into the dark.”
“It’s all right. I’m flattered that you don’t mind confiding your feelings in me.”
“Well, you’re going to be my sister-in-law, actually more like my sister. Right?”
“Yes.”
“And you’ve never had a sister, either, so you’ve probably felt most of the same things I’ve felt growing up.”
“Probably,” I said. My eyes shifted. Images of Ava, Brianna, and my little sister Marla came rushing back at me.
Julia sensed something, sensed that I was holding back. “There’s so much about you that I have to learn, but I have to win your trust and confidence first. I will,” she vowed. “I’ll be your best friend in the world, so that you won’t hesitate to tell me intimate things about yourself and your past. And don’t think just because I’m Liam’s sister that I would always take his side in any argument,” she added emphatically.
“Okay,” I said, smiling. Get her off me as a topic, I told myself. “As far as you and Clifford go, I don’t know him well enough, of course, but maybe he’s hesitant to show his feelings because you are. If you care that much for him, take a chance, trust him, and tell him,” I said. “Or at least hint at it strongly enough so that he won’t feel foolish or afraid to tell you his honest feelings for you.”
She nodded. “I will. You ought to be writing an advice column for lovers in need or something.” She started to turn back to
the computer and paused again. “I really don’t care,” she said. “I mean, I wouldn’t condemn you or Liam ever for it, but did he tell my father the truth? You’re getting married this quickly because you both want to and not because you’re pregnant?”
I knew how to convince her beyond any doubt and at the same time make her feel as if she was my sister already. “We haven’t even had intercourse yet, Julia.”
Her eyes widened. “My brother . . . showed that kind of restraint?”
“Maybe it’s an old-fashioned idea, but I thought it was important, especially with someone like Liam, who, shall we say, suffers from a reputation.”
She laughed. “I understand exactly. Back to this dress,” she declared, and we drew closer to look at the choices.
That night, we shared her king-size canopy bed, giggling and talking late into the wee hours, as Daddy might say. There had never been any of this sisterly feeling between myself and Ava or Marla. Brianna was too old even to get to know. Marla was too young. Most of the time, Ava was so into herself. I was sure she saw me as a distraction when I was younger and tried to talk girl talk with her. When I was older, I could feel the sense of competition, a competition that went far beyond normal sibling rivalry. It was too intense and at times almost violent. I didn’t know who was more critical and demanding of me, Ava or Mrs. Fennel. If Ava gave me any sort of compliment, it was that I was doing something she had taught me well and only because she had taught me. Everything that I did well, even what I did for Daddy back then, was always because of her influence, her advice and instruction.
“Daddy expects me to help shape you,” she would say, as if I were a lump of clay.
However, I never lost the feeling that she was worried that I was moving too quickly into her shoes. I supposed any sister would resent how much attention her younger sister enjoyed from her father, but there had been no higher goal than pleasing Daddy. I learned that it wasn’t simply to win his love, of course. It was the way for us all to survive. That was something abhorrent to me eventually. I hadn’t changed my mind. It still was today, and I hoped it would be forever.
There were moments during the night when I came close to telling Julia more than I thought I should. She was so forthcoming about her earlier romances, her sex life, her needs and dreams, that I felt guilty lying beside her on my bed of falsehoods and deceptions. I was bound to make mistakes, to cause confusions and raise doubts as time went by. Most important of all was my insecurity about what I was physically capable of. Could Liam and I have a child together? Would it be wise for me to have Julia arrange some sort of physical exam?
Put it off until it’s a must, I told myself. Don’t rush the future, or you’ll end it.
Julia fell asleep before I did. She kept apologizing for keeping me up with what she called nonsense teeny-bopper talk about music and fashions, colors and foods, and the different quirks about men that annoyed her. How could I tell her that for me it was like turning to a television channel I had never seen or even known existed? I encouraged her to keep talking until she finally confessed that she was exhausted, leaned over to kiss me good night, and fell asleep almost immediately while I lay there looking up into the darkness, listening for something, anything, that would warn me that what I was trying to do was impossible and would bring harm to these people whom I wanted to be my new family.