Ian walked slowly toward me. "Do you want me to help you understand all this or don't you?" he asked.
"I don't want you to lie and frighten me or make me sick with ugly ideas."
"I'm not going to lie about anything. Jordan, and I don't need to frighten you. I don't need to play these childish games. You have a serious problem and the quicker you understand it all, the better it will be for you."
I looked up at him. I knew he wasn't lying about that. Everything that was happening to me was turning our world, or at least Mama's and my world, upside down.
"Well, then don't tell me silly things."
"It's not silly. You don't understand. ' He sat beside me on the lounge and we both looked at the house. "No one would let someone pee in them."
"Of course they wouldn't," he said.
"You said they did."
"Something else comes out of a male person besides urine. When he does sexual things, he--"
" I know. His penis grows and grows."
"You know that?"
I shrugged. I didn't know what it meant. I had heard some girls laughing about a boy when they were in the bathroom and I was there, too. I heard what they said about his bulge.
"But you don't know why or what happens next, right?"
"I don't want to know," I said suddenly. I was getting frightened and I didn't know why I should. All I knew was I was shivering
Ian looked at me without speaking for a long time. I could see his mind was turning thoughts over and studying each one carefully, as if each was a fine jewel too precious to display unless fully appreciated.
"Well, maybe you know enough for now," he decided. "The question is why what is happening to you is happening and whether or not Dr. Dell'Acqua can stop it until it's the right time for it. If she does that. I guess you're fine with what you know right now, but if you have any questions and you're too embarrassed to ask anyone else, ask me. Okay?"
"Okay," I said. It was easier for me to agree to putting it all off to some future date.
"Someday. I'm going to be a doctor myself," he told me. This was the first time he had told me his ambitions. I didn't think he had told Mama or Daddy yet. "I've just not decided on what kind, whether or not I want to deal directly with people or work in a research center."
I had no idea what kind of work he would do in a research center. I didn't even know what that was, but I was still very impressed.
"You'll be all right. I'm sure," he said, and stood up. He looked around with his hands on his hips like Daddy when he was thinking or deciding something. "I overheard Father tell Grandmother Emma that we were definitely going up to the lake next week, and I'll let you in on a little secret," he said, turning back to me.
"What?"
"Grandmother Emma suggested we stay up there all summer."
"She did?"
"Yes, because Mother won't permit us to be sent to sleepaway summer camp. Father thought it would be a good idea, only he won't be there with us all the time. Just on weekends. Maybe," Ian added. "Did Mother say anything about it to you?" I shook my head. He smirked. "Wouldn't surprise me if she doesn't even know yet," he said, and started back to the house.
If she doesn't even know yet? We knew, but Mama didn't? This house was big, but it was filling up with secrets. I thought, secrets not only in shut-up rooms and closets, but also inside everyone's hearts. One day they all might just blow off the roof and everyone will see who and what we really were inside this grand house people treated more like a national treasure. Then maybe so many people wouldn't be so envious of us and want to be us.
When it grew darker. I also went back into the house and decided to watch some television. Ian had already gone up to his room and Mama had locked herself away. Daddy was still not home from wherever he had gone instead of coming to dinner. The house was so quiet. I could hear water running in a pipe to Nancy's bathroom. When the house was like this, and everyone was in his or her own place. I felt very small and wanted to curl up in a ball like one of the caterpillars Ian had in a tray. As soon as they were touched, they tightened into a circle. Ian said that was just being protective. He called it hope. Maybe that
was what I was doing, too, hoping what frightened and bothered me would all just go away.
Grandmother Emma surprised me by looking in on me. I was alone in the study, where we had an entertainment center. Grandmother Emma was never very interested in watching television with us because her bedroom had an entirely separate area with settees and chairs and a big television set that my grandfather Blake had bought for himself two years before he had died.
Instantly. I lowered the volume on the television set because I anticipated her complaining. She looked at me, at the set, and shook her head.
"Now that school is over for you, I imagine you'll waste all your time in here watching nonsense," she said.