Audrey stepped up beside us. “If you don’t make a mess,” she said, “you can use my bedroom.”
The suggestion excited and frightened me simultaneously. I had never ever been in a bedroom alone with a boy, not even my own. In fact, I had never had a boy visit me at my grandfather’s house. Aaron’s excitement took over his face completely. His eyes lit up as the possibilities seized him. I could easily imagine that he was already getting a boy’s eagerness, the famous “erection fantasies” we girls teased one another about when we could talk in secret. Everyone always tried to outdo everyone else with some sort of experience, the most common being “It happened to him while we were dancing.” Most claimed they pretended not to notice—“I was too embarrassed”—while others bragged about how they had pressed themselves closer and tighter, enjoying how uncomfortable it made the boy. It was happening in public, after all.
“What do you say?” Aaron whispered in my ear now.
I had deliberately sought out clothes that would make me sexy. I had put on makeup and been snippy with my grandfather and Mrs. Camden, even Myra. I had been thinking I might even violate the curfew Grandpa had imposed. Why not do this? “Okay,” I whispered back.
I could feel his quickened breath. It excited my own. We turned gracefully and, without looking at anyone, started for the stairway out of the basement.
“Where are you going?” Lila asked before we got to the first step.
I looked at her. “I’ll let you know after I get there,” I said.
Her mouth locked open. Aaron laughed.
I had been in Audrey’s house enough times to know where her bedroom was. We were there in seconds. Aaron closed the door behind us. There was enough moonlight streaming through the opened curtains to outline her bed clearly. We didn’t turn on any lights. Aaron turned me toward him, and we kissed again.
“I have what we need,” he said.
No girls in my class or in the class ahead of mine were ashamed that they were still virgins. Some were more suspected than others of having lost their virginity. Whether it was true or not, they seemed to have a more sophisticated air about them, especially less patience for “childish flirtations.” We had our girls’ health classes and were taught enough to know what to expect and how dangerous it could be to have unprotected sex. I had read as much as I could find about it on my own. Without a mother, an older sister, or even a grandmother, I was really on my own as I matured. I was on my own tonight. How far would the rage against my grandfather and my unhappiness at home take me tonight?
We kissed again. Aaron guided me to Audrey’s bed and gently lifted me onto it. He got beside me, and we kissed, his hands moving to unzip my blouse. There was resistance in me, but I covered it the way you covered a pot of boiling milk and let him undo my bra and bring his lips to my nipples. How many times had I fantasized about this and wondered what it would feel like? Now it was happening. A rush of warmth curled around the insides of my thighs. His fingers were struggling with the zipper on my skirt. I put my hand over his hand.
“This is Audrey’s bed,” I whispered, as if everyone was listening at the door.
“So? She invited us to use it.”
“I’m a virgin, Aaron.”
Did he understand? How sophisticated, really, was he? Boys were more apt to fabricate their sexual experiences. They were always proving themselves to one another, strutting like peacocks when they were convincing. “So? Let’s put an end to that disadvantage,” he joked.
“I could stain her bed,” I said, and he stopped trying to undo my zipper.
“You could stain mine anytime,” he said, and kissed me again, but I heard the disappointment in his voice and felt it in his kiss.
I sat up, pulled my blouse over my head, and dropped it and my bra beside me. He took off his shirt quickly. Then I slipped out of my skirt, and he took off his pants. How far could I go without going too far? I wondered. I was exploring myself as much as we were exploring each other. We were lost in the wonder of our passion. I was already past boundaries I had set for myself with every boy I had ever been with at a party.
We were simply holding on to each other now. He paused to take another deep breath, and then he brought his lips down between my breasts, to my stomach, to inside my thighs. I could hear myself moaning as if I was listening to someone else. I heard him unwrapping his protection. I tightened, but he said, “It’s all right. I’ll wait for the next opportunity, but a guy needs relief.”
We moved against each other. I was building toward that climax I had brought on myself in my most secret moments. We both reached it together, and then we held on to each other like two people afraid they would sink or fly off if they didn’t. After a few more moments, he turned onto his back, and I turned onto mine, but he continued to hold my hand.
“You’re not just using me, are you?” he asked.
“What?”
He leaned up on his right elbow and looked down at me. “I’ve been with girls who wanted to get even with someone or something.”
“I wouldn’t be here with you if I didn’t want to be here with you, Aaron. Sound familiar?”
He laughed. “So you’ll respect me in the morning?”
“You’re such an idiot,?
?? I said. But I was really whirling with how close he had come to my deepest emotions.
“Sure you don’t want to reconsider home base?” he asked.
“Home base?”