That set them off talking more about their own parents. Even though Claudia’s had not divor
ced, she still had stories that rivaled Marcy’s, describing what it had been like living in a war zone. They both made it sound as if they had to navigate thunder and lightning from the moment they woke up in the morning to the moment they fell asleep at night. The most I would say was “Yes, it was something like that before my parents divorced.” It seemed to be enough, at least for now, but it made me wonder just how shocked they would be if they knew the truth about me. The world I had woven around me here was as thin as the membrane of a chicken egg.
I rushed out to my father when he pulled in and got into the car before he could get out to hug me. He looked surprised but leaned over to kiss me hello.
“Everything all right?” he asked. “You look like you want to make a getaway or something.”
“Yes, I’m fine. I just didn’t want you to have to deal with some of the busybodies. I thought Dana was coming, too,” I said.
“I’m picking her up while you’re in with Dr. Alexander. As it turns out, she’s not far away. We’ll be taking you to lunch after that. I didn’t think you’d want to talk about it with her yet, and I didn’t want you to be any more uncomfortable. But she knows everything,” he quickly added. “She’s been a great person to bounce things off. You’ll like her for sure.”
“Does Mother know I’m doing this?”
“Oh, no,” he said, starting out of the parking lot. “The less detail she knows about the entire situation, the better for her right now.”
“But does she know that Haylee might come home for Thanksgiving?”
“Dr. Alexander advised me not to say anything until after you and she meet,” he replied, and looked at me. “It’s seriously in your hands, Kaylee. Without your okay, I won’t permit it.”
“What about Haylee? Does she know it might happen?”
“I’m not sure, actually. Probably not,” he added. “I would understand if Dr. Alexander believed that promising something that might not happen would result in a setback.”
“Setback? Then you really believe she has made progress, changed, and accepted responsibility?”
“She’s different,” he said.
“How?” I pursued, forcing him to convince me.
“I would never have used this word for her, even before the terrible thing she did to you, but I’d say she’s meek. I won’t say meeker, because she’s never been even slightly humble. I saw it in you, this milder, modest side, but never in her, and when I mentioned that to your mother once, she nearly bit my head off. To her, it was impossible that there would be such a dramatic personality difference between the two of you. All she would agree to was that you might be a little better at hiding what she called ‘super confidence’ than Haylee was, but it was a difference only she could see. Even I couldn’t see it. I was simply not around the two of you enough. That was always her argument.”
I was silent. Mother wasn’t far from the truth when it came to that, but I thought his not being around enough was her fault. My father wanted to avoid the confrontations that would inevitably be there. In her eyes, he was bound always to make a mistake in the way he treated Haylee and me. No matter how slight an error, it was still a serious issue for Mother. Forget to kiss one of us hello, forget to ask one of us the same question about school, or forget to give one of us a similar compliment, and she would pounce like a wildcat. Who could blame him for trying to slip in and out of our lives as unnoticed as possible, especially when we were very young?
“What does Dr. Alexander want to hear from me?”
“I honestly don’t know, Kaylee. You know how this psychiatrist, therapist, or whatever she calls herself can be. She wouldn’t confide even in me for fear I’d have you prepared or something,” he said. “If I hadn’t seen changes in Haylee myself, I’d continue to call it all voodoo.” He smiled. “Let’s not dwell on it. You’ll know soon enough. Tell me about this boy you’re seeing.”
“His name is Troy Matzner. His father is the CEO of a major telecom company, Broadscan.”
“I know it. Powerful company, international. That’s a big job.”
“They live in a mansion once owned by a coal baron here. It’s like the estate of a king or something.”
“So you’ve been there? What is the family like? Brothers, sisters?”
I swallowed down all that I normally would want to tell him, but I was afraid that he wouldn’t want me to associate with someone who was also suffering from deep psychological wounds. The whole reason he had arranged for me to be at Littlefield was to be around healthier teenagers who led what we could call a “normal life.” That way, I’d have less time to remember and relive my own miserable events.
“His father was away on a business trip, and his mother had a previous engagement, so I didn’t meet his parents. He has a younger sister, but she’s in a private school, too.”
“Oh. Nice house?”
“Over-the-top nice.” I was comfortable talking about the house, the paintings, the dual stairway, and Troy’s father’s office, but I skipped mentioning the indoor pool. Just thinking about it made me blush.
It was at times like this when I missed having a mother or even Haylee when we were close and could honestly share things. I wasn’t what anyone would call a feminist, probably, but for me, it was true that women had things they were comfortable sharing only with other women. Even a daughter, no matter how close to her father, couldn’t bring him into that territory.
I wondered how fathers, even in this day and age, centuries in time and thought from the Victorian era, reacted to realizing that their daughters were no longer virgins. Was the first reaction always disappointment, sadness? For fathers especially, it was a double standard, I thought. If I was a son instead, I could imagine him smiling, recalling his own first time, and then quickly warning me to be careful.
But how would he view the girl his son had been with? Would she drop seriously in his estimation and respect? Would he believe, even hope, that she was temporary? And if they did go on together and eventually get engaged and married, would he always harbor that little disrespect he had felt for her? Would he rather have had his son come to him for advice, asking him if he should remain with a girl who wouldn’t do it? What advice would he have given? If she doesn’t think of you as special enough to do it, drop her now? Or would he say, She sounds very special, son. Cherish her?