I didn’t look back. He closed the door behind us.
“Psychiatry is a form of voodoo,” he muttered as we walked back to the lobby.
He was walking so quickly now that we almost didn’t stop for the guard at the front entrance. Apparently, he had to take back our visitor passes and check to be sure an inmate wasn’t being smuggled out. He wanted to see my license again and look at me, but I could have told him that it wouldn’t do him much good.
We were identical in too many ways.
I had the odd feeling that in a sense, I was being left back there and Haylee was the one walking out with my father.
Neither of us spoke until we were off the grounds and well on our way home.
“Under no circumstances do I want you returning here to see that woman,” he said. “These people can screw with your mind so much they can turn you into mental cripples. They’re always looking for ways to excuse the guilty, especially here. They should call the place Palace Equivocation or Palace Excuse Abuse,” he said. He was so angry that he was talking through clenched teeth.
“And did you hear the way she gave me that little dig about not visiting enough?” he added, turning to me. “Like I don’t have enough on my hands visiting your mother and having consultations with her doctor and making sure you’re going to be all right while trying to hold on to my business. Who put Haylee in that place? Certainly not me. She put herself there with her deceitful, evil actions.”
He went into his silent thoughts a while and then seemed to calm. After taking a few deep breaths, he turned to me. “I’m sorry. I should be worrying about how you are, not how she is.”
“I don’t know. Maybe I shouldn’t have gone to see her. Maybe you were right. Maybe it was too soon.”
“Sure, I was right. I don’t care what Dr. Alexander says. And I told you I wasn’t going to let her hurt you anymore. I’m sorry. You just put it out of your mind for now. We’ll concentrate on what’s best for you and not spend any more time worrying about her.”
“I’m all right, Daddy.”
“Sure. You’re strong. You’re the strong one after all.” He took another deep breath. “I have to see your mother’s doctor tomorrow. We might be bringing her home.”
“Really?” This was a surprise. He hadn’t hinted at it. Maybe he was waiting to see the results of this visit first.
“We’ll see. I want you to think about that prep school now, Kaylee. I want you out of this whole thing as soon as possible. Okay?”
“Okay, Daddy,” I said.
He shook his head and then smiled. “What say you and I have some of that Thai food you love tonight? We’ll go to that place in Philly, okay?”
“Okay.”
He sat back. “You’ll be fine,” he said, nodding. “You’ll be just fine, Kaylee. Once you start somewhere new, you’ll do just fine.”
Would I? I wondered. Maybe.
But was Dr. Alexander right to ask if I had really gone there to see if Haylee and I would stop hating each other? Did she allow me to come so she could observe me almost as much as Haylee? Was she smarter than my father thought?
I couldn’t say I was unhappy that he didn’t want me to return to see her.
The truth was, I was afraid to see her anymore.
I was even afraid to look at myself in a mirror right now.
If I did, I was sure I wouldn’t see any regrets or any sadness about Haylee going into catatonic states. I felt good about it, actually. I felt as good as Haylee would surely feel if the roles were reversed, as Mother once proposed.
Thai food sounded very good. In fact, my new future sounded very good.
For the first time, I thought I might be able to have a future without thinking about Haylee every day.
I might not think of her at all once I was gone.
I remembered years ago one of Mother’s friends saying we were so like conjoined twins that it would take an operation to separate us.
Maybe that just happened, I thought . . . I hoped. A mental operation, but one just as effective.