“Why? Would it change anything?”
“I don’t know. How can I know the answer without knowing why?”
“Oh, you’re so . . . logical,” she said, and then, taking me by complete surprise, she burst out laughing. But it wasn’t simply laughing; it was a strange combination of laughing and crying, and it was loud, too, very loud, insanely loud.
I didn’t think she was going to stop. Tears were streaking down her cheeks. She gasped and laughed, looked up and then at me, and laughed again.
“You’re . . . so . . . logical. You always were. You’re so . . . Kaylee Blossom Fitzgerald,” she said. She stopped smiling. “Why? Why? Why? Why?”
She started to chant. “Look at you, look at you. You look good. You lied. You pretended to be abducted. Where were you? Logical Kaylee? Where were you? Watching us all the time and laughing?”
“Stop it,” I said. “You know very well where I was and why.”
“Yes, why? Why? Why?” She sat there smiling.
“Aren’t you even a little sorry?” I asked.
“Sorry? Everyone feels sorrier for you, don’t they? You don’t need me, too. You have everyone’s full attention now, don’t you? Thank you. I’d like to hear a thank you.”
“Thank you? Don’t you have any idea what happened to me? You think I went on a picnic?”
“What happened to you, yes. Everyone wants to know what happened to you, right? Yes? Questions. We get questions, only you get the most. I get only Why? Why? Why? I hear it even in my sleep.”
“So what’s the answer?”
“There’s no answer. Don’t you understand? There’s no answer. There’s never been an answer.” She hugged herself and looked up at the ceiling.
“You haven’t asked about Mother,” I said.
She continued to stare at the ceiling for another moment and then lowered her head and leaned toward me. “Mother is in here,” she whispered. “I don’t have to ask about her. Mother is with me. I’ve got Mother now. You know why? Why? Why? Because she wants to know why, too.”
She laughed.
“Mother wants to know more than anyone else, so she’s here,” she said, and pressed her right hand over her heart. “She’s right here, and she won’t leave until she gets the answer. Anyway, you can’t have her back. You can’t have her without me. It’s not logical, Logical Kaylee.”
“Mother’s not here,” I said. “I know exactly where she is. I’ve visited her. She’s not well. She’s suffered a lot, Haylee. I feel sorrier for her than I do for myself, and you should, too.”
She stared at me hard, her eyelids narrowing. “She’s here,” she said. “Here.” She pressed her hand even harder against her heart.
“No, she’s in a hospital. Stop pretending you don’t know what I mean. She had a nervous breakdown, Haylee. You knew that. You knew why Daddy had to come back home to live with you.”
She shook her head.
“Did you hear what I said? You’ve got to stop lying, Haylee, to everyone and to yourself. You’re hurting only yourself now. Why did you do this to me? What did I do to you that you should have wanted to hurt me so much?”
She smiled, but there was no warmth in it. “You don’t look like me anymore, Kaylee. You’re prettier than I am now, but Mother can’t stand that, I’m sure.” She leaned forward to whisper. “Did you forget how she wants us to be? You’re killing her by being so much prettier than me. You’re the one giving her the nervous breakdown now.”
Her lips began to tremble. “You’re killing her,” she said, and started to cry. Then she began to rock in her chair, hugging herself again. “It’s cold here, isn’t it? Why? I’m tired. Why? You look very good. Why?”
“Stop it,” I said. “You’re just trying to avoid answering me.”
She stopped rocking, but she sat there, her arms locked around herself, and stared at me.
“I came to talk to you sensibly, Haylee. I almost died. I did everything I could to survive, but it was horrible, nights without sleep, chained, my very breathing controlled. You knew it would be horrible. You knew him, and you left me there.”
What surprised me about the way she was staring at me was that she didn’t even blink. It was as if I were looking at a picture of her face.
“Do you hear me?”