He nodded and withdrew to the living room. I heard him go to the liquor cabinet and pour himself an after-dinner drink. By the time I was finished with everything and had put everything away, he was slumped in his chair again. I spoke to him, but he didn’t respond. He had drunk himself into unconsciousness, which was now his way of dealing with those holes in his heart. I didn’t leave him, however. I sat and read and watched him moan in his sleep. Eventually, I dozed off myself and then woke when I felt Cassie nudge me.
“What happened?” she demanded, nodding at Daddy, who was slumped even more.
With my small fists, I ground out the sleep in my eyes and sat up quickly.
“Nothing, Cassie. He enjoyed the dinner and then came in here while I was cleaning up. By the time I came in, he was already asleep. I stayed with him to—”
“To do what? Fall asleep. You can go up to your bedroom. I’ll take care of him.”
I stood. “I didn’t fall asleep right away, but he gave me some wine, and maybe it made me tired.”
She shook her head.“I knew I shouldn’t have left him. It’s too soon.”
“How was your date, Cassie?”
“I’ll tell you about it later,” she said quickly. “Go get ready for bed.”
I glanced at Daddy and then went up. I was tired and moved in slow motion. Finally, in my pajamas, I pulled back the blanket and crawled into bed. I heard a door close and then Cassie’s high heels clicking in the hallway. They grew louder as she drew closer. I could tell she had paused by my bedroom door. Maybe she would wait until tomorrow to tell me about her date with Porter. I was actually hoping she would. It was late. But to my disappointment, she turned into my doorway. For a long moment, she simply stood there looking in at me. I had not yet turned off the night table lamp, so she knew I was still awake. Why was she just standing there?
“Cassie?”
“He’s getting worse,” she said, coming closer to my bed. “He was sobbing as I walked up the stairway with him. It broke my heart to see him like that. My chest feels as if it’s filled up with gravel. I can hardly breathe.”
She pressed her hand to her breast and closed her eyes. I sat up quickly.
“Are you all right?”
“No,” she said. “And neither are you, as long as he isn’t all right. W
e’re more connected to one another now than ever. What makes one of us happy will make all of us happy, and what makes one of us sad or angry will do the same for all of us. How can you or I laugh in this house again? A smile is as comfortable on our faces as a moth is next to a candle flame. It can come close, but it can never settle on it without being destroyed. It makes it very hard to enjoy ourselves.”
“I was hoping you would have a good time tonight, Cassie, and be able to put all of this out of your mind for a while.”
“I tried. You liked Porter, didn’t you?”
“Oh, yes. He’s very handsome.”
“And very intelligent, very clever and witty. But mostly, he is very ambitious.”
“Isn’t that good?”
“Oh, yes, very good,” she said with a wry smile on her face. “Very, very good. Ambitious men are more … more cooperative.”
“Cooperative?”
“More agreeable, easier to get along with, because they’re so careful not to offend.”
“So, you like him, too, then?” I pursued.
“Yes, I like him.”
“Then he’ll be asking you out again?”
“Oh, we’ll see quite a bit of Porter Andrew Hall. You can count on that,” she said. “But I can’t go to sleep thinking about him anymore right now, Semantha,” she added, changing her expression to a more serious look instantly, “not after these last few moments with Daddy. He was beside himself. I helped him into bed, but he was mumbling and sobbing something awful.”
She looked down, her head lowering like the head of someone resigned to a great defeat and disappointment, like the head of someone simply helpless.
“Oh, no,” I said, the tears quickly flooding my eyes. “How terrible it must be for him. How terribly he misses Mother.”