I sat staring at the window because I could see myself reflected.
Now who was I? I wondered.
Now that what has happened, happened, who could I be? Maybe I'm nobody.
Maybe I'm one of Mommy's spirits, and I don't exist.
Maybe it was I who had fallen off the rock and who had died in the stream.
Mommy came back and sat at her piano. She called to me to sit beside her. and Eke a tired ghost. I rose and went to her. I really felt like I was floating.
Her fingers danced on the keys. The melody flowed. Mommy nodded at the windows.
"They've all gathered to listen." she said.
I looked but saw nothing. She was so sure of it.
Were they there, and were they happy that I had kept their secret?
Now I wondered, how long could I?
16
"Who Pushed Me?"
.
I was trembling almost as soon as I had woken
the followinc, morning. Never was the tick of the small clock on the nightstand by my bed as loud. I wished I could somehow reach up and stop the sun from moving across the sky. If I froze time. I would not have to face the decision that I soon could not avoid. Fortunately. Mommy was so excited about all the new things she was going to do, she didn't notice how distracted I was, nor how quiet I was being at breakfast. She ran on and on about what she was planning to do all day. and then she surprised me by offering to take me along.
"Especially to look at new cars. I know how much you're going to be interested in all that. Noble," she said.
Panic, like a Ping-Pang ball, began to bounce about in my stomach. If I went with her. I would riot be able to meet Elliot, and he would surely f
ollow through on his threats. I had no idea yet what I would do when I did meet him. I raked up every scattered thought in my brain to put together ideas, ways to get away from him and yet stop him from hurting Mommy and me. I thought I might offer him money. I didn't know how much to offer. but I decided I would start with a thousand dollars, which to me was a fortune. I would find ways to get him some
periodically until I reached that amount. Surely that would keep him satisfied and quiet for a long time. I thought. He needed money for his car, didn't he? It was worth a try.
"Oh," I told Mommy. "I was hoping to use my chain saw far the first time."
She stopped and smiled.
"Of course you were," she said. "How foolish of me to give you something so exciting for you and then suggest you put it off to go on shopping errands. I'm very happy that's more important to you. Noble. We can look for a car another day. I have to see Mr. Bogart and do some other things that would only bore you. You'd be on pins and needles waiting to get home. You just go about your business," she told me, and I breathed easier.
She didn't leave until after lunch, and when I watched her drive off. I stood trembling. Never had I kept so many secrets from her. Every time she called my name or appeared. I expected her to reveal she knew, she had been told. I was holding my breath so much. I was sure I looked red in the face most of the time.
Her car disappeared around the turn at the driveway, and I was alone. The clocks ticked on. My confrontation with Elliot was only hours away. Think, think, think. I told myself. You have to bring this to a quick end. Distraught and feeling helpless, I decided to go to the little cemetery to pray for guidance, to pray for some sign. to pray for Daddy to come to me, to help me.
A partly cloudy sky made the granite tombstones darker. I stood where I knew my brother's body lay. Was his spirit in limbo, just waiting to see what I would do. how I would affect all our destinies? I hated to have all this responsibility. If Mommy only knew how both of us, all of us, tottered at the edge of some great dark hole into which we could fall and disappear, she would be in so much panic.
"Help me. Daddy," I pleaded. "Tell me what to do. Please, please."
I bowed my head. and I waited and hoped. Then I stepped forward as I had seen Mommy do so often. and I touched the embossed hands on Infant Jordan's stone. I kept my eyes closed, and I concentrated with all my powers. It did seem to me that the hands moved. I snapped open my eyes and looked at them. The breeze, although warm, grew stronger and stronger. It swirled around me, and then I thought I heard Daddy's voice in the wind that flew through the frees and over the house.
"Be patient," he said. "Be confident. All will be well. Never tell your mother any of this. Follow your heart. Promise. Promise me."
"Yes. Daddy," I whispered. "Yes. I promise."