relationships. I had even less interest in doing that at EJW than I previously had. Instead I bore down on my schoolwork, became a confirmed loner, and spent my weekends doing more and more with Winston or with Winston and Mommy.
Winston did try to get me into a younger social scene, making sure I attended whatever charity events or affairs were sponsored or frequented by a younger crowd. He even went so far as to arrange for me to go yachting with the son of a friend of his who was visiting from Germany. Joachim Walter, He was a nice enough young man, soft-spoken and goodlooking, but there was no spark between us, and after a pleasant day we parted company forever. Both of us knew it would be that way, and neither of us showed any regret.
Winston and I continued our sailing lessons every possible weekend until he declared I was capable of taking the boat out myself any time I wished. I knew both he and Mommy were hoping I would invite someone, preferably a nice young man, to join me. I did sail as often as I could but never with anyone else along. I truly began to enjoy my solitude. It was comfortable and safe, even though I knew it wasn't something Mommy enjoyed seeing. One evening after dinner I overheard her complaining to Winston about me. Maybe she wanted me to overhear.
"She's becoming so introverted," she told him. "It frightens me,"
Winston tried to make it seem like nothing, "When she's ready she'll indulge in everything young people her age indulge in. Jackie. You'll see." he promised. "Give he
r time. There have been so many dramatic changes in her life."
Nevertheless a pall crept in and over our otherwise perfect existence at Jaya del Mar. I could see it in Mommy's worried frown when I returned from school and went directly up to my room or out to the beach to walk alone. On the other hand, she continued to socialize as much as she could or, more accurately, to participate in as much as she was invited to participate in. The novelty of being Winston Montgomery's new wife began to show tarnish. Every once in a while she would discover she had been left out of some event or another, and even if it was just a so-called power lunch during which a group of Palm Beach women would plan some major event, she was emotionally wounded. She would moan and complain about how hard it was to make friends with some of these people in Palm Beach, haw unfair the other women could be.
Poor Winston bore the brunt of it all on his narrow shoulders. He was always trying to find things for me to do, places for me to go, and he was continually providing excuses or explanations for one social snub or another to soothe Mommy's often bruised new ego. When summer came and we were going off to spend time abroad at the villa he and Mommy had discovered during their honeymoon. I felt as if we were truly in retreat.
The villa was as beautiful as the pictures and descriptions had suggested. We had a pool almost as big as the one in Palm Beach. Mommy, Winston. and I spent a great deal of time visiting famous coastal places like Cannes. Nice. and Saint-Tropez, as well as inland villages like Saint-Paul-de-Vence and even took a week in Paris so Mommy could see the newest fashions. We ate at the top of the Eiffel Tower and looked out over Paris at night, fully understanding why it was called the City of Lights. While Mommy slept late Winston took me to the Louvre Museum and then on to Notre Dame. In the afternoon we took Mommy to a Left Bank cafe for lunch, and at night we went to Montmartre for dinner, and both Mommy and I had our portraits done by street artists. Before we left Paris to return to our villa we went to see the palace at Versailles.
The summer seemed to fly by because of all our traveling and activity. I was actually unhappy about returning home. On the airplane Winston and I talked about my future, and he agreed with my idea to seek early graduation and perhaps start at one of the nearby junior colleges this year. He told Mommy I might just be too mature for the students at EJW, and it was probably a good idea to jump-start my higher education. She didn't object to anything She had settled comfortably in an attitude of que Sera, sera.
"Whatever's best for her," was her standard reply to anything Winston and I discussed and decided about my activities or my future these days. Having a new and what I thought smarter objective to my education helped me return with a better attitude to ETW for my senior year. which I expected would be an abbreviated one. I was more relaxed, and as a result I even didn't mind sitting and listening to the others brag about their wonderful summers, Now I could interject stories of my own if I liked. I didn't really. I quickly settled into my separate world again, did my work and my additional home study, and took my high school diploma examinations when I had planned.
Mommy, Winston. and I celebrated my excellent results by taking a weekend in Bermuda. where Winston and I did some sailing and even talked Mommy into coming along for an hour or so. Winston and I had been visiting some area junior colleges, and we had settled on one in Jupiter Beach. I registered for the spring semester and, just like that, found myself studying and associating with older students, most of whom were not from super-wealthy Palm Beach families,
I liked my philosophy professor the most and even recognized that I was developing a heavy crush an him. His name was Dr. Berger, He was married and had two young children, whose pictures were on his desk. His son had his flaxen gold hair and his perfect nose and strong mouth. His daughter, two years younger, looked more like his wife, who I had to admit was very attractive. I took advantage of every opportunity I had to be alone with Dr. Berger, even if it was merely to discuss some philosopher. I even went so far as to pretend not to understand things just to justify a tutorial. He wasn't mechanical or cold, but he was very careful about how personal he was with his students. Rarely did he inquire about anything in my private life and always kept his greetings in the corridors or in class to a quick, soft smile or a nod and a simple "Hello."
It was almost as if he recognized his own vulnerability around so many attractive and flirtatious female students, not that I was ever obvious about how I felt. At least not that I knew of. I had to admit to myself that I wasn't looking into any mirror or seeing myself as others might. and I could very well be coming off as a lovesick teenager.
I knew that Mommy, despite her apparent aloofness, expected I would soon announce a date or some social relationship. She looked for it almost every day I returned from college and even began asking me in not so subtle terms about the boys at the school. Maybe my fixation on Dr. Berger kept me from returning interested looks coming my way or encouraging conversations with the male students. Most of them seemed so immature to me. I guess I had an impatient and steely mariner about me that put them off. but I didn't seem to care, and that began to build as a sour note in Mommy's increasingly strident tone whenever she talked to me about my school life and how I was missing out on all the fun.
Winston desperately tried to keep the static out of our lives. finding something new for him and me to do every weekend. Except for my fantasizing about Dr. Berger. I didn't enjoy being with anyone more than I enjoyed being with Winston. One night, when Winston revealed he had tickets to an upcoming concert at the West Palm Beach Auditorium. Mommy finally exploded.
"You've got to stop being her social director. Winston!" she cried.
"Excuse me?"
During all the time they had been married I had never witnessed truly hard words between them. Winston seemed incapable of losing his temper with her, no matter what she did or said. He would just shake his head and move aside or bend with the hard. heavy winds of potential conflict.
"You're part of the reason she doesn't socialize with people her own age. Winston. Every weekend practically you have something for her to do with you or with me. How is any young man expected to compete or attract her interest? What does he have to do, book her two months in advance?"
He looked at me. and I looked down at the dish in front of me. "I was just trying..."
"I know you're trying. but stop trying!" she cried. and reached out to seize the tickets from his hand. I looked up as she tore them into pieces. "No more. If she doesn't find things to do, young people with whom to socialize, let her sit at home. We don't do half the things we should be doing on weekends because you're so worried she'll be bored going to them or she won't have anything to do."
"I would expect that to be your concern as well. Jackie, even more so." he shot back, his face finally turning somewhat crimson.
Mommy sighed so deeply I thought her heart would shatter in her chest. "It has been. Winston. but I'm tired of it. I don't sleep at night thinking about her... her damn retreat from what should be the most exciting time in her life. It was for me and for just about any other woman I know."
I looked up at her. my eyes so glassed over with tears I could barely see the tightness in her lips and the frustration in her eyes.
"I'm a freak. Mommy," I cried. "I'm just a freak, is that it?"
"Of course not. but Daddy Winston." she said out of the right corner of her mouth. "isn't helping you doing the things he's doing. I don't know what will help you anymore," she added before Winston could offer a defense. "I buy you everything to make you attractive and keep you up with the latest styles. I arranged for you to have the best hairdressers, the best cosmeticians. We've bought you a beautiful new car. You have all this to share with anyone you like: a private beach, a magnificent swimming pool, a sailboat," she said, waving at the house and the grounds. "And what do you do, you sit in your room and read or take long walks alone on the beach or go sailing far hours and hours by yourself!
"How can you enjoy being by yourself s
o much. Grace?" she asked with a pinched, pained expression.
"Maybe I'm a multiple personality," I cried through my tears. "and I'm not alone."