Her face filled with worry as she waited for my reaction. I bet she has Ho friends, I thought to myself. not even a strong acquaintance.
And for the first time. I realized how terribly lonely and afraid girls like us could be. I wondered why I hadn't felt it before. Was there something wrong or right with me? Shouldn't I have cared more, been as hungry for social life as Autumn obviously was? Why hadn't I ever been concerned about not having a steady boyfriend?
A butterfly passed close by as we started away, and I thought of myself as a butterfly still in its cocoon, its wings just starting to flutter, emerging but with fear more than excitement. Every new feeling. every new hunger, surely must first fill us with terror. What if we don't ever satisfy ourselves? What if we tremble like Autumn does and see ourselves as failing to find love, to find meaning?
How long can we continue to fly without it?
.
Mommy insisted she di
dn't need me for anything, so Autumn and I headed for her house. As we walked along, a flashy red convertible pulled alongside with two girls and a boy who was driving.
"It's Wendi Charles and Penny Martin." Autumn quickly whispered, her voice rattling a bit with trepidation.
'Hi." the girl in the front seat said, leaning over the door. Are you the new kid on the block?"
"I suppose so." I said, and the girl in the backseat laughed.
"I'm Wench. That's Penny giggling stupidly back there, and this is Ricky Smith, who enjoys being our slave. What's your name?"
"Grace Houston."
"Well. Grace. I see Autumn has pounced on you. What did you do. Autumn, wait at the gate all night or something so you could get to her first?"
"No," Autumn said quickly, but she couldn't look directly at Wendi, who had steely, cold, dark brown eyes. "I don't pounce on people," she added, but kept her eves down,
"No, people pounce on you." Wendi said. and Ricky and Penny laughed again. "Isn't that right. Autumn?"
"C'mon," she said to me, "We have to get to my house."
"What's the hurry, Autumn?" Penny asked. "You doing something exciting again, or do you just want to tell Grace here your war stories?"
"Boom. boom!" Ricky bellowed, pumping his right arm like a cheerleader.
The other two laughed again. How cruel and sarcastic they are to Autumn, I thought.
"C'mon," Autumn urged.
I began to turn away to walk with her.
"Did you tell her about your secret abortion yet?" Penny asked, practically shouting it.
"What?" I said, pausing and turning back to her, not sure I was hearing right.
The girls and Ricky laughed.
"I guess you were building up to it. huh, Autumn?" Wendi said. She turned to me. "It's not exactly something you wear on your shoulder board."
I looked at Autumn. Tears were streaking down her cheeks, and her chin was down, almost touching her chest.
"I don't understand," I said.
"No, not too many of us do," Penny quipped. "Stop by and visit us later, Grace. We'll fill you in on what you really should and shouldn't know around here. If you hang with her, you'll get a reputation before you even unpack, and you'll be sally. Unless, of course, you want that sort of reputation."
They all laughed again.
"Home, James," Wendi cried, and waved at the front of the car. "Aye. aye. Captain." Ricky said, and they started away.