Willow. I sat beside her quickly. It was as if a clap of thunder had none off right beside my ear and snapped me back to reality. This dream I had been living in was over, probably forever. Of course. I asked the expected questions: Are you sure? When did you realize it? That was when I figured out exactly when you were conceived. I shook my head, wondering what was wrong with me? How could I have not anticipated this possibility?
"I'm sorry," Grace said.
"Oh, no. no." I protested. "You have nothing about which to be sorry, Grace. I am the one who should have an apology branded on his forehead. I'm your doctor here. You have been under my care."
She stared at me a moment. "You're right." she said. "I'm not sorry, but not for that reason. I'm not sorry because I am carrying our love inside me," she added.
I felt as if my heart would burst with joy and admiration. How could she, the one who was clinically depressed, the one who had suffered so, be the one to see something beautiful and hopeful in this crisis? Was our love truly that strong? Had I been right to believe in it, in its healing- powers?
"That's nice of you to say. Grace," I told her. but I would be even more remiss if I did not point out the consequences for you as well as for me."
I thought a moment.
"There might be a way to keep people from knowing this. I could contact a doctor I trust and--"
"What are you saying? You can't be serious!" she cried, her eyes wide with shock. "The baby is all we have, can have together."
"That might be trite, but..."
She shook her head. "I will not have our child destroyed, Claude. Is that what you want?"
"No," I admitted, "but if we reveal what has happened--"
"We won't. We'll find a way. You'll find a way," she insisted, "Promise me. Claude. Promise me you will."
In the face of such determination_. I would have promised to pull the moon from the sky.
"Give me some time," I said, and she relaxed and smiled.
Later I was sorry I had made such a promise. No matter how I racked my brain. I couldn't come up with a solution that would leave Grace unscathed, never mind myself. The whale reputation and future of the clinic was at stake as well. Willow. There were dozens of other patients being treated and many waiting for an opening so they could come to our clinic. My staff. Ralston Price, everyone's future were in jeopardy. Ralston had put as much of himself, his time and energy into developing our clinic as I had. How horrible all this would be for him. I thought.
Guilt never weighed down on my shoulders as heavily as it did those days after Grace had confided her situation in me. At home Alberta was becoming more strident, her complaints about our home practically greeting me at the door each and every time I returned. No matter how late the hour, she was at me, telling me how embarrassed she was about our grounds, the poor job the gardeners were doing, the fading paint, the aging driveway, on and on, declaring she was too ashamed of it now to bring any of her friends around.
I wasn't eating well. I lost weight, and when I gazed at myself in the mirror. I saw how gaunt and troubled I appeared. This all reflected on my effectiveness with my other patients, of course. And then there was Grace, looking to me for same solution, her eyes full of confidence and love and expectation. She was more fragile than ever, just teetering on a tightrope of sanity. How much longer did she have before someone else discovered her condition? I had to be careful about her medications, too, and without telling him who she was, confide in a obstetrician friend of mine to be sure I wasn't giving her anything that could harm the fetus.
In the end. Willow, it was your mother, ironically, who moved it all forward, who pushed us into a solution. Once again the patient was the doctor. She quietly took note of the changes in me, the struggle I was undergoing, and on her own, because she was so concerned for me, she decided to take things into her own hands. She didn't tell me what she had done.
One afternoon just before my last therapy session of that day was completed. Edith Hamilton interrupted with a call into my office. Whenever the phone rang and I was with a patient. I knew it had to be something serious and significant or else it had to be Alberta demanding to speak to me.
"I'm sorry, Dr. De Beers." she began. "but Mrs. Montgomery is here and insists on seeing you immediately."
"What?"
She lowered her voice.
"'She's going to make a big scene if you don't agree to see her. Doctor. She has a man with her she says is her attorney, too. What should I do?"
"Tell them I will be right with them. Edith," I said "And tell Nurse Cohen to step into my office."
My heart was thumping so loudly, I thought my patient heard it clear across the room.
"Doctor?" Suzanne said, poking her head around the office door. I approached her so my patient couldn't hear me.
"Suzanne, I have something of an emergency on my hands. Could you see that Mr. Winthrop is not unduly agitated by this interruption."
Carlton Winthrop was precisely the wrong patient to be in my office at the moment. He was suffering from acute paranoia and would surely interpret the interruption as some sort of a criticism of him. However. Nurse Cohen was aware of all this and I had confidence she could handle the situation.
As soon as they were gone. I called Edith and asked her to show Jackie Lee and her attorney into my office. Never did my desk seem more like a buffer and fortress than it did at that moment. I was happy to be standing behind it. I smile thinking about it now, Willow, but believe me, I was as close to, as they say, wetting my knickers as ever.