8
Wings of Wax
.
Perhaps nothing fills your heart with optimism
and blinds you to reality as much as falling in love does. Willow. When your mother and I were together, none of the problems I had to face outside the clinic seemed to matter to me. I've already told you that it wasn't that long after our marriage that Alberta began accusing me of indifference toward things that mattered very much to her. I didn't agonize at all over the decisions she made for our home. and I never gave much importance to the social problems she had. In her eves it wasn't possible for me to be any more neglectful or unconcerned than I already was, so I understand why she didn't take any more notice of my indifference toward anything but the clinic and Grace.
For a while then. I lived in almost as much illusion as some of my patients. To think that now that I had found Grace I would never feel alone again was foolish, especially for a man who had the education and experience I had. Oh, the self-analysis I ended up doing. Willow, the hours and hours I spent reviewing it all, questioning my own thoughts and feelings. It was truly enough to drive anyone mad. I'm surprised I didn't walk into walls. I was that distracted at times, especially at home. where I paced and spent my time trying to come up with more reasons and more ways to spend even more time at the clinic without attracting too much attention.
To my own credit. I will say that I never once denied the fact that this was a forbidden love affair. Willow. Of course. I tried to conceive of ways to make that not so, but in the end I realized that no one would see it as anything else but a serious violation of my medical ethics. My career, my value to other patients, my whole purpose for being was in great jeopardy, and I had put it there.
Every time your grandmother called that fact was driven home, and the two times she visited the clinic to see Grace made it even more emphatic. The first time was only a little more than a month after Grace and I had become lovers. As strange as it may sound to you. Willow, the worst fear I had was not that somehow Jackie Lee Montgomery would come to realize something was going on between your mother and me. No, the worst fear I had was she would see the changes in your mother that were improvements and insist she be released. Don't forget it was embarrassing to her that your mother was here in the first place.
From the tone and context of phone
conversations I had with Jackie Lee. I could also tell that she was becoming unhappy with the ruse of her being Linden's mother. He was getting older and more demanding. Raising a child again was a big
responsibility and, without any help, a great burden on her time and her energy. From what she was telling me. I understood that she wanted the freedom to become an eligible widow again, a woman without any baggage so she could sink her teeth into a new hus
band, preferably someone with goad standing in the Palm Beach community and of course, someone wealthy enough to return her to her previous lifestyle. She had lost so much with Kyle Scott: the plane, the boat, the big house, the seemingly unlimited allowance for designer clothing, vacation expenses, everything that was once very important to her and had became so again. Her complaints about her present life seemed to multiply as fast as rabbits and become an endless tail to her inquiries about Grace,
"That man," she would say, "didn't only damage my daughter. He ruined my life and made it so much more difficult. You have to be seen in fine places to meet fine people, especially decent men."
On and on she would go, perhaps thinking I would somehow provide a solution or, at minimum, be sympathetic.
And then. as I said, she began to complain more specifically about her motherhood responsibilities and the toll that was taking on her physically and mentally.
"My daughter should realize she has an obligation to the child," she told me. "Can't you get that through to her, drum that into her head?"
"We don't exactly force these things on our patients. Jackie Lee. Your daughter has to arrive at the conclusions by herself or they won't be lasting, and that's what we both want, isn't it?"
I wanted to ask her whatever happened to her worry that Grace wouldn't be able to handle motherhood, her concern that once someone had a mental problem, it was always there, never corrected.
"I've been through all this sort of responsibility already," she wailed. "I need my freedom. too. A grandmother should be a visitor." she told me. "She should be able to shut her doors, say goodbye, drive away. None of the grandmothers I know are anything like I am today. I feel like I'm being punished for my daughter's sins and not vice versa.
"And vou were right the first time." she continued. "it's not good for the child. He'll be so terribly confused. He'll end up in your clinic, too!"
I tried my best to commiserate with her, but I couldn't get up enough sincerity to make myself sound convincing, especially to myself. First. I didn't appreciate Jackie Lee's real motives for wanting Grace to be released, and second. I dreaded the day she would leave the clinic.
In any case Jackie Lee arrived at the clinic, or more like charged at it. For someone complaining about how hard and stressful her life had become, she looked absolutely glamorous. As stylish and elegant as the first time I had met her, she entered my office with great expectation. Grace and she had spoken a number of times on the telephone, and from the last two conversations she had with her. Jackie Lee was convinced that Grace was as close to being normal as she could ever be.
"She asked about Linden. She sounded very homesick, and she didn't mention any ghosts or her father or Kyle. You've done a wonderful job," she declared with a definite sense of finality. I had the sense she would jump up at any moment and start packing Grace's bags,
"Thank you. Jackie Lee. but I'm afraid we'd be moving things a little too quickly if we sent her home right now."
"Why? What else is there to do?" she wailed, her face filled with disappointment and frustration,
"She's still dependent on medication and--"
"Oh, if that's all. I can certainly give her pills, make sure she takes them on time and everything."
"No, it's not just the dispensing of the medicines, it's the monitoring and regulation of them that's important, and there are still a number of troubling issues to work out through therapy. Remember I asked you to be patient. Now, you wouldn't want to cause a relapse here. It's often more difficult to return to this stage of improvement once something like that occurs," I warned her. "It could be worse, in fact."
Part of it was true, but part of it was my selfish conniving to keep her from taking Grace away from me.
She lowered her shoulders like a flag of defeat. This is so hard, so hard." she muttered.