She stops playing and the silence in the room stretches. This room was never meant to stand silently. It was meant to be filled with music. Anger. Joy. Danger. Heartbreak. I need to speak but I don’t know what I want to say more, that I’m sorry or that I want her. That I did then and I still do now.
“All right, next—”
“Laszlo. I didn’t even finish the last piece.” The seconds tick past and we just look at each other.
She speaks first. “I didn’t come to the Mayhew to audition yesterday.”
I sit down on the piano stool and fold my arms. She’s holding her bow like it’s a weapon, gripped tightly in her hand. “I know. You wanted to talk, and when we were interrupted you wanted to play. What I don’t understand is why you then asked if you had the place in the ensemble.”
“Because I do want the place, on certain conditions.”
I wait, watching her closely. Isabeau has conditions for me. It’s not just her features that are finer and her hair that’s longer. She’s got a firmness about her that I’ve never seen before. She’s scared but there’s something she wants.
Isabeau takes a deep breath. “This isn’t easy for me to say. I’ve only ever made you angry with me once in my life, but I’ve never forgotten that and I know I’m risking your anger again.”
I want to interrupt, to say that I was never angry with her, only myself, but she keeps talking.
“For ten years you made me feel nothing but safe and happy, even during the scary parts of my life. Performing at the Mayhew. Before exams. And just…every day. I always knew you were there if I needed you. You gave my life structure and meaning and made me do my best.”
I frown, because while I’m glad she always felt safe and happy living with me I don’t like the idea that I pushed her to do anything. “Isabeau, I didn’t do that. You did it. You were always the most dedicated student, at school and in your lessons. You never gave me a moment’s worry. I barely did a thing.”
It wasn’t just in school. Day to day she was polite, well-behaved, sweet. Not one tantrum or transgression that I can remember. I never caught her smoking or had to wait up because she was out past curfew. Isabeau was an angel.
She shakes her head. “You made me want to be like that. You showed me kindness and respect and told me what you expected of me, and I wanted to make you pleased with me. I loved that. And you did correct me, all the time, the way you correct your orchestra. Good, but softer this time. Pianissimo. Except with me it would be, You’ve done so well in Chemistry this semester. Why don’t you see if you can do as well in French? I know you can. Or, If you eat at this time of night don’t you think it will keep you awake?” The corner of her mouth turns up. “You practiced that piece so beautifully, sweetheart. Why don’t you try it slightly slower next time. Good girl. Don’t you remember, Laszlo?”
I rub the back of my neck, thinking. “Yes, I guess I do. It just felt natural to talk to you that way. I didn’t notice I was doing it.”
She moistens her lips. “I liked the way you talked to me. The expectations you had of me. That’s sort of what I wanted to talk to you about. I’ve never been good at putting into words what I want. You always seemed to just know. It’s the conductor in you, I suppose. You can feel what music needs instinctively. You could tell what I needed. But we haven’t been able to hear each other for some time now so I’m going to have to tell you in words exactly what I want. I don’t want there to be a misunderstanding like…” She falters, and takes a breath. “Like last time.”
I don’t quite know what Isabeau’s asking for but something tells me it’s not cello lessons.
“I want what we had when you were my mentor. I want how it was between us just before we last saw each other. Because of the way it made me feel. To be good for you.”
My heart starts pounding. Isabeau was always such a good girl and I thought that was just the way she is. I didn’t know she was doing that for me, because she liked that it made me happy and that that in turn made her happy. That it became something more for her. I think that’s what she’s telling me but I’m not sure. I have to know for sure. “You don’t need me to be your mentor any more. Your playing is superb. There’s nothing else you need from me.”