Sadie is quiet as the three of us walk to a large gravestone under a large pine tree.
Anthony Michael Allen
1984-2007
Loving Husband, Father, Brother, Son
Brave Soldier
A tear rolls down my cheek. I put father on there, even though Sadie wasn’t born yet, because he was a loving father. Tiff bends down, brushing the needles away, and lays some wildflowers on his stone. When she stands, she loops her arm with mine, laying her head on my shoulder. We stand there in silence. No sounds, but the soft, cold wind dances around us.
“Mommy, I’m hungry,” Sadie finally speaks.
I nod, wiping the tears from my face. “Head to the car with Aunt Tiff. I’ll be right there.”
Tiff takes her hand, and I watch them walk away from me. I turn my attention back to the gray-silver marker.
“Our daughter is growing up so fast,” I whisper to the stone and into the thin air. “She’s like you so much. She’s so carefree and happy all the time. She stands up for her friends. I know that you would be so proud.” The tears stream faster down my face. “I miss you. I miss talking to you. I miss the advice you would give me, no matter if I wanted it or not. I miss your laugh and your childish pranks.”
I take a deep breath, thinking of all the memories we shared together over the years.
“I met someone. I never thought there would be anyone but you. He’s a great guy. He treats Sadie so well, and I really like him. Is it wrong of me that I don’t feel guilty when I’m with him? I love you so much, Tony. I do. But, I’m so confused sometimes.”
I think about how I didn’t feel bad when I was having sex with Ashton, but now, seeing Tony’s grave, it’s back. I look over at Sadie sitting in the car. She smiles at me, and my heart melts. She’s the only person in my life I need to keep my focus on. I can’t be galavanting with some hockey millionaire. I have a daughter and responsibilities.
I rub my fingers over his engraved name, feeling nothing but the cold hard stone. I stand, brush off my pants, and head back to the car. Tiff stares at me for a moment. I watch her expression change as she stalks over to me.
“No, no, no, no,” she repeats, shaking her head. “I know that look. Stop it.”
“Stop what?”
“Don’t be so damn naïve. You know exactly what I’m saying. Ashton is a good guy. He cares for you, and he loves Sadie. Tony would want—”
“Shut up!” I yell. I’ve never raised my voice at her. “You don’t know anything. You think you understand what it’s like to be alone day in and day out. You think you know what it’s like to cry yourself to sleep because you feel like you’re failing as a mother. You don’t fucking know anything.”
Tiff’s mouth drops. “How dare you, Alexis Allen? How dare you think that I, of all the people in
the this world, don’t understand what you’re going through? You’re an amazing mother, and Sadie is the greatest kid. But, Tony wouldn’t want this. I know that he would want you happy, and Ashton does that for you.”
“I was wrong.” I shake my head.
“You know what,” Tiff take a step closer to me, “fuck you.”
It’s my turn for my mouth to drop.
“You’re a damn fool, Lexie. A damn fool. But, if you want to be some miserable, single woman, then go ahead, because I’m done with you. I’m sick and tired of trying to help you, but if this is what you want,” she throws her hands up in the air, “then enjoy your life.”
I can’t say anything. I can’t move.
“I’ll pick Sadie up in the morning to spend the day with her.” She bumps my shoulder hard as she walks away from me. Tiff opens the back car door, hugging her niece. Then she goes to her car and leaves.
I go back to my car and try to keep myself composed in front of Sadie. Tiff and I have never fought like that.
“Mommy, can we have chicken nuggets?”
“No.”
“Mommy.”