“I know why.” She starts rubbing my back and continues, “It’s because of Little Valeria. You’re a wreck and stressed. You always have them when you are like this. Don’t play it off either. I know that you’re still battling your emotions. I know you better than you think.”
I groan. If being stressed to the max is what triggers them, then I’m fucked. “They aren’t ever going away then.” I stand up straight and face her. “Let’s just go back to bed.”
“No.” Hadley places her hands on my shoulders and pushes me to sit on the floor. She takes a seat across from me. “We’re going to talk. It helps you.”
This is not what I want to do. I stare at her, debating on if I want to fight her on this. “What are we going to talk about then?”
“Luca, your sister didn’t die because of you and nothing is going to happen to Little Valeria. You are pushing yourself into an early grave with burdens you carry. Can’t you see this?”
“I’m trying here, Hadley. I don’t know what else you want me to do.” What more is there for me to do? I’m sure she can tell I’m feeling fairly defeated right now.
“Do you even realize how proud I am of you? You’re stepping up as a father and my future husband. I know how hard it is for you. I see it every single time I look into your eyes. I’m only trying to get you to see that you were a fifteen-year-old boy when Valeria died. You didn’t make the ice break in that pond. You didn’t let her drown. You tried everything to save her. I know that you did.”
Leaning my head back against the cabinet, I close my eyes. “I know what happened. It’s not like I’m forgetting, especially when all these nightmares are different versions of me trying everything to save her and it still not being enough. That’s what bothers me. Doing everything I could didn’t help her.”
“Oh, Luca.” The tenderness in her tone causes me to open my eyes and look at her. “I wish there was some way I could take this pain away from you. I know you did everything for her and that it kills you a little more each time in your nightmare when you can’t save her. I know I’ve brought it up before, but maybe if you talked to a professional, it might help. Do you want to do that? I could go with you.”
“I don’t know. Maybe. I’m clearly not doing a good job of helping myself.” I take a deep breath, the nightmare replaying in my head again. “She was mad at me this time. It’s been a long time since I’ve had one like that.”
“You know what,” Hadley pauses as she thinks something over in her head. “Why don’t you tell me what happened that day? Maybe recounting the events, and not what happens in the dream, might help you think more clearly about what really happened.”
Maybe she’s right. Slowly, I start recounting the events of the day my sister died. “My parents were still at work and I was trying to study for a test. Valeria was bored and wanted to go skating on the pond behind the house. She kept asking me, over and over. I was getting irritated because I couldn’t focus and had to reread one paragraph five times thanks to her interruptions. I told her she could go.”
That one mistake, my mistake, cost her her life. “I should have gone with her or made sure the ice looked thick enough, but I didn’t. I let my seven-year-old sister go by herself. I remember being relieved because it was finally quiet and I could study. When I finally went to check on her...she was already floating.
“She was surrounded by water, probably two feet all the way around. I yelled her name and ran toward her. I jumped in to pull her out, but she was gone. I gave her CPR, but it didn’t matter. Mama came home first and she knew the moment she saw us.” I stop and shake my head. “I can still hear her sobs.”
“She shouldn’t have died. My parents shouldn’t have lost a daughter. I shouldn’t have let her go by herself. She was only a kid.” The sadness and grief overwhelms me and tears start flowing like a downpour of rain during a thunderstorm.
Chapter Nineteen
Hadley
I can’t breathe and I’m burning up. I blink my eyes open and Luca’s dark hair is all I see. He isn’t up working out. His leg is wrapped around mine. His arm is over my belly and his head is on my chest.
Luca isn’t one to cuddle. However, last night during his breakdown, I saw a different Luca. One that I’ve never seen. He has told me the story of Valeria only one time before. Occasionally, he would tell me a piece here or there, but he opened up his wound completely last night.
Seeing him being sick and crying shocked me. I wasn’t sure what to do. I held him, rocked him, and did my best to calm him down. Finally, I got him into bed and I think he just passed out under the weight of his emotions.
I run my fingers through his hair. He hates when I mess with his hair, but it’s soft and thick. He softly moans and stirs a little, but only pulls me closer. Am I in some type of parallel universe? This isn’t my Luca and even though it’s nice now, I know seeing a professional is something he needs to do. I have mentioned it to him over the years, but nothing came of it. Now, with Little Valeria coming I think it’s sending him into overdrive and I don’t know when he’ll break, but I am glad he is willing to consider seeing someone.
He says he isn’t going anywhere, but I can’t help the thoughts in the back of my mind that keep reminding me he could leave at anytime. I don’t know what I would do. Typically, I’m an independent woman, but I need Luca for this. I know what it’s like to grow up without a father and I don't want to do that to my daughter.
Our daughter.
Every time I look in his eyes when we talk about her, I can see the panic and fear; and it scares me. I’m constantly worrying that I’ll wake up one morning and he’ll be gone.
Just like that.
Will I feel like this forever?
Will it ever go away?
Luca finally opens his eyes and looks up at me. He looks innocent and sweet. He doesn’t have his normal serious, stone face.
“Good morning.” I smile at him.
Luca grins back and stretches. “Morning.” He untangles himself around me and rolls to his side of the bed.