“Don't, okay? Let's just go to bed. We've got to get up early in the morning.” She sounds so tired and hopeless, her voice so dead and bland.
“Sweetness, please.” I feel like the lowest of the low when she turns towards me and a tear fills and falls. Leaning forward, I kiss her forehead and then rest mine against hers. “I'm sorry. So sorry. With everything going on, I've been extremely stressed. I wanted to handle it on my own and was doing so poorly. I didn't mean to be an ass and take it out on you. Looks like I won't win the Boyfriend of the Year Award this year.”
That brings out a small smile as I hoped.
“Did it ever occur to you that I might be stressed too? Love, we're going through this together. If you're troubled, don't you think I am too?”
“I reckon. Forgive me?”
I search her brown eyes waiting for a glimpse of an answer. Biting her lower lip, she nods. Those few seconds of waiting for confirmation were torture. Sweetness means everything to me, and she deserves to be treated with the utmost respect and unreserved love. Right now, she's worthy of someone better than who I am at this moment. It's in that very instant that I know I'll spend the rest of my life turning myself into the person she can be proud of, the one who is good enough, the man who will stop at nothing to ensure her happiness.
Carrying myself over and mindful of her cast, I hover over her with my elbows propping me up and my fingers lost in her hair. Sweetness has those hands of hers over my chest and those soulful eyes search the depths of my own.
“I love you. So much.”
“I love you too, Jake.” She snakes her hands up to my shoulders and around my neck with one diving into my hair, grasping a handful. Emily languidly tugs, dragging me down for my lips to lazily brush against hers. Sweetness' chest motions slow and steady, almost as if her body is freezing in anticipation. I wouldn't want my Sweetness to wait, would I? The kiss goes on as if we have all the time in the world. Tomorrow is a lifetime away and we're in no hurry to get there. This kiss fills the voids and presents hope that when tomorrow does come, we're ready. Together.
Pulling away, Emily's lips are a flushed red, her eyes slightly widen. I turn the lamp on my nightstand off after I move to my side of the bed. Sweetness snuggles up to me the best she can and holds me tight. All feels right in the world as we sway into our dreams.
Early the next morning is smooth sailing as I put the finish touches on the various things I have to do to get ready. Part of me can't believe that for the second time this year, I'm leaving my family behind. Sometimes, you just have to take those opportunities full force because otherwise, your dreams will never come true. All my hard work, time, and effort are starting to pay off. I've been trying not to think about it as leaving them behind so much as going on an adventure to make our lives better once I return.
“Love, are you ready yet? Everything in the car? All that good stuff? You need to get going,” she asks as I come into the living room.
“Yep. I'm ready to drive fourteen hours.”
Emily stands with her crutches in hand and huffs. “I hate these things already.”
“Well, you're stuck with them for the next six weeks.”
“Don't remind me,” she grumbles.
We slowly walk outside to say our goodbyes. Hugging Drake first, I remind him to behave for Emily.
“I always behave,” he comments.
“I know,” I smile.
Emily's maneuvered both her crutches to her right side so she can hug me singlehandedly without them getting in the way. She grips me as tightly as she can and I whisper into her ear.
“I love you. Always.”
“I love you too.”
Releasing ourselves from one another, I tell them, “Don't have too much fun without me.”
“We won't. Be careful,” Emily orders.
Nodding, I give her a goodbye kiss that will leave her weak in the knees, cradling her face in my hands, and I hear Drake clearly say, “Gross.” Once I pull away, I tell them both that I love them before turning and going down the steps. I wave once in my car as I back out before I'm off to the Windy City.
With nothing but the radio playing in the background, I have no choice but to think. I've pushed things to the side and it's as if now all those things I didn't care to face are bitch slapping me. Dad might have spent the last few years going back and fourth between alcohol and sobriety, but he stepped up long enough for me to leave for college and complete my first year. On the other hand, he slipped and it cost him his life. I'm left doing what I've been doing since Mom died. Taking charge and caring for Drake. Dad did everything just as Mom wanted before she died because he didn't want to disappoint her.
What about disappointing us? How can he allow his grief to consume him so much that he let down the people that remain? Two children that are a part of her? I don't understand how he doesn't see Mom in Drake. Maybe that was part of his problem? He would look at us and see her green eyes. Her smile. Her kindness and there's no doubt that Drake has Mom's personality mixed in with his own. What if Dad saw us as a constant reminder that the woman we came from was no longer here? What if we were more of a burden of sorts? I just don't understand how he wouldn't rejoice in the fact that we are part of Mom and still here, eve
n if she isn't. A part of her lives on in the rest of us. That should count for something more than a reminder of what's no longer here.
Now he's gone and I can't even fuss at him. I can't tell him to straighten up. I can't yell at him to be there for Drake. I can't tell him that I love him even though he's an ass. I'm nineteen and both of my parents are dead. Drake turns ten this year and both of his parents are dead. Suddenly, I'm mournful of the things we aren't going to experience with them and the things they won't experience with us. Mom won't watch us get married. She won't meet Emily and trust me, she would have loved her. Mom probably would have been able to be someone Emily could come to in reference to her own mom.
Dad and Mom don't get to age into their seventies together. They don't get to stand side by side as Drake graduates. They aren't here to see me play in the NHL. Hell, after Mom died, Dad didn't care about any of that anyway. When I told him about the draft, he looked at me and said, “Jake, you're mom is gone. That doesn't even matter. Honestly, I hope you crash and burn in the league. It's the least you deserve for letting your mother die.”