Nobody was really talking once we all sat down in our chairs. Things hadn’t been awkward, but the group knew I wasn’t myself.
Not since having her.
Missing her.
Needing her.
What was even more ridiculous was that I jumped to the number one tweeted member of SWT because every performance, according to my fans, looked like my heart was breaking.
Spoiler alert.
It fucking was.
I was deemed the hottest heartbreaker in K-pop.
And then the most beautiful dancer even though I knew Rae and Kai were better.
All because I was wearing my heart on my sleeve on a daily basis and being unapologetic about it to my fans.
“All right!” Brittney G from the label, one of their interviewers, was facing us in a pink jumpsuit, her fake blond hair piled high on her head. “Let’s get started with the thirst trap tweets!”
Oh, good.
“This one’s for Sookie.” She laughed. “Is it wrong that I wanna be his mama?”
Sookie laughed and then shook his head. “It’s wrong.”
We all laughed; his English was getting so much better. He was really coming into himself too. I was proud of him despite my own sadness. He’d even confessed that he’d texted Grace a few times to check up on her.
I’d tried only to delete them.
And then my phone broke, and when I got a new one, it hurt to even think about putting her number in it.
Because if I texted her once, I’d text her again.
The studio audience was small, maybe two hundred people as we did our private fan interview.
“Okay next thirst tweet.” She laughed. “Rae is another word for sunlight, just like sunlight is another word for shine down on me, then go down—” She laughed. “I don’t think I can finish this one.”
Rae laughed in good humor, but I could tell he was uncomfortable. The next ten minutes got thirstier and thirstier until we moved to the questions from the label and different tweets to it.
“All right.” Britney flashed her brilliant stage smile at her cue cards. “Who’s still a virgin?”
Whoa! I looked around at the guys. Were we allowed to even answer this? It felt so invasive and inappropriate!
Rae answered first in a semi-tense voice. “Next question.”
The crowd laughed and then booed in good humor.
“All riiiight.” Britney grinned. “Who’s the best kisser?”
“Me.” Sookie pointed at himself then looked around. “What?”
Everyone laughed, and I was again taken out of the spotlight. Who the hell wrote these questions anyway?
“Okay, next question…” Britney cleared her throat and paused, then said, “Who’s had the biggest heartbreak?”
My tongue was thick in my mouth; I couldn’t answer even if I wanted to. Would I just start crying at this point?
All the guys pointed at me.
I hung my head, attempting a small smile.
Britney’s smile was warm. “Was it love?”
“Was?” I repeated. “There is no fucking was.”
I didn’t realize I’d cursed until people gasped around me. Shit.
I scratched my head. “What I mean is, honestly, it still exists. You can’t just deny love because it’s not in front of you anymore or because it’s impossible. I don’t care if fire is staring you down and is burning between you and your love—you walk through it, you know?”
The studio went completely silent.
Even the rest of my guys were quiet.
Britney’s eyes were kind, her red lips pressed into a respectful smile. “I guess that leads me to the next question… who do you love, Lucas?”
“My fans,” I said out of instinct. “I love my fans. And this year…” My voice cracked. “This year, someone taught me to love myself… and through loving myself, I fell in love with her. She saved me in more ways than one. I hope our fans can understand that sometimes it’s by accident when you fall, and when you fall so hard, sometimes you welcome the bruising, the bleeding because it’s better than the alternative of being alone… of being without your person and letting the darkness swallow you whole.”
A girl in the front row burst into tears, then another.
Phones were raised.
Sookie put his hand on my shoulder.
And then.
“Do you mean that?” a familiar voice asked.
I jumped to my feet and turned around, greedily searching for the sound of her, wondering if I was going crazy or if she was really there. Was it Grace? It sounded like Grace.
The lights were near blinding, and then there she was, standing in front of us, gorgeous in black leggings, a crop top, and jean jacket, her ever-present Nikes on her feet and stupid Kevin standing behind her with a grin on his face and CEO Siu standing on her other side, same stupid grin.
Grace’s hair wasn’t blond anymore—no, she’d gone dark and then added red highlights to the tips—I wanted to believe it was because she wanted me with her, even if it was stupid.
“Do you?” she asked again.
I nodded. “Yes, more than anything.”
“Is this the part where you kiss me, then?” she pressed.