"Ah, but I am very glad I have you as my anchor," Kassam says, his tone achingly sexy. My body instantly responds, and I grit my teeth. His hand smooths up and down my arm, and his touch feels good, but it also frustrates me with how quickly and easily my entire being responds to that small touch. Being with him is making me turn into a person I don't recognize half the time. I'm not this wildly sexual creature that has unprotected sex. Hell, my last boyfriend broke up with me because I didn't want sex as often as he did. Now I'm practically panting at the thought of touching Kassam again.
There aren't enough crystals in the world for me to deal with hedonism, and I don't know what to do.
For a moment, I feel so overwhelmed I want to cry. I want to throw my keys down and just walk away. Walk away from my job, from Kassam, from everything in my life that's somehow led me up to this point. Walk away like when I walked away from college, or from art classes, or ballet.
Just start walking and start over again.
My lip trembles and I stare out the windshield.
A hand unexpectedly touches mine. Kassam grips my fingers and gives them a squeeze. "I am sorry, Carly. I know this is hard. Everyone thinks hedonism is endless enjoyment, but they do not see how tiring it can be. I have been this person for so long that I am…exhausted. And yet I must keep going. I must keep entertaining myself, because if I do not, I will lose myself entirely."
I look over at him, full of mute misery.
He brushes a finger over my brow, sweeping my thick bangs out of my eyes. "We allow ourselves to be miserable for a short moment, and then we seek the next pleasure, because we must keep moving, yes?" He gestures at the windshield. "Now, on to the pharmacy so we may find out if we have babies."
I almost hate the giggle that escapes my throat.
9
Taking Kassam to the pharmacy closest to my apartment is a mistake. The moment we go inside, he starts grabbing things, fascinated. I know it's the hedonism that makes him fascinated by everything, so I can't really get angry. Instead, we grab handfuls of candy bars and I let him eat a bag of chocolate-covered raisins while I prowl through the pregnancy test section, reading the backs of boxes. Ten days for a test to show if it's positive or not. I finger one of the tests thoughtfully, then add it to my shopping cart. And another. And I throw in a few boxes of the biggest condoms I can find while the elderly pharmacist behind the nearby counter gives me a disgusted look.
That expression on her face is gonna make asking for the morning-after pill a little awkward.
I linger around the tests, steeling up my courage, when Kassam hands me the empty candy bag and leans in as if going for a kiss. "We are being followed, my light."
Stiffening, I resist the urge to turn around and stare at the other patrons of the store. I remain where I am as Kassam gazes at me, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. "Like…by security? Are they wearing a uniform?"
It's on the tip of my tongue to ask him if he stole something or ate something without giving me the wrapper when he cups the back of my neck and leans in to kiss me again. I'm so fascinated by his mouth brushing over mine that it takes me a moment to realize he's speaking in between nips. "Not mortal," he murmurs. "We are being followed by something else. You said you did not have gods in your world?"
Panic creeps up my spine. He kisses me again, and I manage, "I'm pretty sure we don't? The main religions all follow one god." But I don't know for sure. I'm not an expert on theology, but there's lots of old myths that had a bunch of gods. To those people, the gods weren't myths. Well, shit. "Why would someone be following us?"
Kassam rubs his cheek against mine and then moves in to nip at my earlobe, and I have to bite back a moan. "My thread would not belong in this weave. If someone is curious, they will come and see. Or they will come to get rid of me if they do not like that I am in their territory."
I manage a glance over my shoulder, clutching my handheld shopping basket against my side. The store looks fairly busy for midday, but I don't see anyone that screams “god.” There's an elderly man peering at vitamins a few shelves over, a mom reading a magazine while her kid teethes on a box of tampons, and a store employee that's giving me a disgusted look, a pricing gun in her hand. To be fair, I am showing an excessive amount of PDA with Kassam. To also be fair, I've been cleaning out the condom aisle for the last five minutes. Anyone would think I'm being weird. I bite my lip and glance at Kassam, who's watching me with those glowing silver eyes. "Are we in danger?"