He didn’t like the idea of her playing a character around him. He wasn’t playing a character with her. He was keeping a secret, but that was a necessary thing.
Everything else was the real him. Wasn’t it?
“Why do you like being a top?”
Such a simple question, and yet he wanted to avoid it. There was the answer that came right in his head. “Because I like to be in charge during sex. I find it does something for me.”
“What do you mean by something?”
Yes, there was the reason he hadn’t wanted to answer her. He didn’t particularly want to look deeper. He could make something up, but he was lying enough to the woman in his arms. He wanted her to know something real about him. “I think I’ve felt out of control most of my life. I know that sounds weird because I had pretty much anything a person can have, but when I was born my future was laid out. My parents were—are—great. But I felt like I followed my brother all through our childhood.”
“He’s your twin, right?”
“Yes. He’s older than me by a couple of minutes, but my brother is kind of a force of nature. He’s a good guy. He really is, but he’s a lot like our dad. Larger than life. I was JT’s shadow.”
“Is that why you went into the military?”
“Yes. I didn’t even tell my family until I was leaving for training.” How was this tied up in his sexuality? He knew he was talking too much, but there was a thread there. “It was the first time I surprised them. That time in the military was a revelation. I wasn’t David Malone’s kid. I wasn’t JT’s brother. I got to be me. When I left and followed a bunch of my friends and my cousin to work at McKay-Taggart, that was when I got into the lifestyle. I suppose in the beginning I did it because I was curious, but I found something there. I found an honesty there. I found a willingness to explore in a fascinating way. I’d never thought of sex as anything but something to do with a girlfriend. I didn’t see it as this huge part of myself, but it was and it is.”
Maybe he still wasn’t through exploring.
“You’ve had subs before?”
She was full of questions. Questions that made him want to squirm a little. But he’d asked her the questions yesterday, so it felt fair to answer. This process couldn’t work if they both weren’t open to it. “I’ve only had one who wore my collar. She took it off when we canceled our engagement.”
“You were engaged?”
He didn’t want to talk about this, but she deserved an answer. “Yes. We broke it off a little over a year ago, and it was perfectly amicable. I’ve actually never had a bad breakup. I think that might be my problem. Every relationship I’ve had has been pleasant but not passionate. I don’t know if I’m capable of that level of emotion, but I can be a good Dom.”
She sat up, and her hands found the sides of his face as though she needed him to focus on her. “Of course you can. You are. You took such good care of me today. You were a wonderful top, Sir.”
Damn, but she was sweet. He knew it was dumb, but those words of praise went straight to his soul. “I’m glad. It felt good to help you. I felt necessary for the first time in a long time.”
Not a lie. He had. He’d liked the way she’d clung to him, how she’d looked to him to take care of things.
And that was why he liked D/s. He’d never thought about it. It was sex and fun, but there was a base level to D/s that made him more than a cock and the relationship about more than pleasure.
In a D/s relationship he had a place. There was no question about what he should do or how he should act. It was all written out and discussed. He was necessary in a D/s relationship.
Could he be necessary to this woman?
“I want to kiss you, Vanessa.” He’d touched her, brought her to pleasure, but he hadn’t kissed her. He wasn’t sure he’d ever meant to kiss her. A kiss wasn’t required, but suddenly he wanted one. He wanted to put that particular act on the table.
She hesitated for a moment, but he gave it to her. He’d gotten to know her a bit, and she was careful. It would be easy to step back and not allow her to make the decision, to take offense that she hadn’t agreed immediately, but that wasn’t what she needed. She needed patience and time to decide what she wanted. She needed to understand that if she didn’t agree with him, he wouldn’t walk away.