I’m a dumbass. But I’m going to make it right.
Asher said himself no one wants to look out for him, but I do, and screw him if he thinks I’m not going to be there for him after something like that.
Friends … Study partners … Fuck buddies … None of that matters. All that matters is that Asher knows he doesn’t have to be alone all the time.
When I get to his place and see his car in the driveway, relief hits me. He made it here okay, at least.
And maybe he won’t want to see me while he’s upset, but he’s going to know I tried.
I knock on the door, and his brother Rhys answers. “Hey, I need to see Asher.”
“Sorry, man. Away game.”
“We just got back.” I point at Asher’s car, and Rhys glances at it, confused.
“He’s not home. Check his room if you want.” Rhys wanders off, leaving the door wide open.
But if Asher’s not here, the last thing I want is to be found in the house by Coach Dalton and then have to tell him what happened.
I stare at Asher’s car for a moment. If he’s not here …
Then I’m pretty sure I can guess where he’s gone.
21
Asher
I couldn’t walk in that house. All that bad energy—the permanently simmering anger—is too close to the surface.
I actually don’t remember the drive home. All I remember is wanting to get away from that bus. Away from everyone. Even Kole.
Damn it, I said some fucked-up shit to him, something I’ll need to apologize for later.
As soon as I pulled into my driveway, I got out and started walking with no real direction in mind, but that’s how I ended up here, in the same park where I found my brother with his girlfriend.
I don’t care where I am, as long as it’s nowhere near my younger siblings. They can’t see me like this.
My hands are still shaky, my breath not coming out right. The buzzing energy inside me ebbs and flows at a dangerous pace. I want to punch things, pace … scream. Instead of doing any of that, my eyes well up.
What in the fuck is this shit?
I wipe the few drops away, but that only makes more flow.
I … I don’t know what is happening. I haven’t cried since their deaths. I thought there was no need for tears. Death happens. That’s life. The end.
Then why the hell does one stupid moose unleash all this grossness. Oh great, now my nose is running.
Someone calls my name, but I can’t make out who it is, and I don’t want to turn around like this.
Dry, you stupid tears. Dry.
I take a deep breath and shove everything down, but when I spin on my heel and see Kole approaching, I almost break again.
Shaking my head, I try to hold on to the tiny bit of strength I have left.
“You shouldn’t have come after me,” I rasp. Shit. I clear my throat.
“You can tell me to go away if you want. Tell me to leave you alone. But I wanted you to know that I’m here. If you need me.”
“I don’t need anyone,” I snap.
Kole purses his lips.
“I’m sorry I was an asshole to you, okay? I didn’t mean any of it. I wanted to escape, and I did it the only way I know how.”
“By making others mad at you so they won’t care what you do or what happens to you.”
Exactly. “Get out of my head,” I grumble. “Maybe you should become a shrink instead of an MD.”
“Nah, why listen to people whining all day when I have you for that?”
I try for a laugh. I really do. In fact, I think it starts as a laugh, but then all at once, it collapses into uncontrollable sobs.
Kole doesn’t hesitate. He steps into my arms, which only breaks the dam, and buckets of tears fall from my eyes. “I’m here,” he whispers. “We can talk, I can just hold you … whatever. Just let it all out.”
Apparently, my body thinks that’s a brilliant idea.
I soak Kole’s shirt with snot and tears—so sexy—but I can’t stop it. I’m not even trying anymore.
For the first time since my father and stepmother died, I let go of everything I’ve thought I needed to hold on to.
I’ve been trying to keep the lid on tight for so long. The ironic thing is I’ve been waiting for West to break down. I’ve been anticipating it.
Nope, turns out it’s me who doesn’t have their shit handled.
Kole tries to pull back, but I hold tighter, gripping onto him so hard I fear I might be crushing him. He doesn’t fight it. He runs his hand down my back and whispers soothing words like “I’m not going anywhere” and “I got you.”
I know we can’t stay like this forever, but fuck, I want to.