I eye the swirly dark drink in his hand, and without asking, I grab it and chug the rest. I screw up my face as I look at the empty. “Only Coke?”
“Didn’t want to get ugly drunk while Damon’s networking.”
“Do you think if I threaten to get ugly drunk he’ll let me go home?”
Maddox laughs. “You can try.”
When I do finally catch Damon, it takes a couple of threats—all empty, which Damon knows—but when he finally says it’s okay, I could kiss him. I don’t though. I’ll go home and kiss the fuck outta Noah instead.
The thought alone has my pants tightening.
But, this isn’t my night. Traffic is a bitch again. So, by the time we get back to Noah’s place—a hundred years later—I’m more exhausted than horny. I collapse onto his bed face first, not even bothering to remove my penguin suit. “Thank God, that’s over.”
“It wasn’t that bad, was it?”
“It wasn’t horrible, but I had to people. Peopling is hard.”
Noah laughs. “Kind of the point of a benefit.”
“You’re used to schmoozing. I’m used to scowling at people to get them to leave me alone.”
“You’re great with fans.”
“Because I have to be. If I had a dollar for every time tonight I heard how important gay men in sports are and how more of us should come out, I’d have more money than you.” I bury my head into Noah’s pillow.
A weight settles on top of me. “I know that side of your job sucks, and I’m sorry you’ve become this gay icon without asking for it, but those people tonight have a point. You can’t tell me you’re the only gay dude in the NFL. Damon wasn’t the only ball player either. The more of you who come out, the easier it’ll get for everyone.”
“Why do I have to be the guy?”
I hate that my voice is small. It’s not only being the first openly gay player that I’m worried about. What if it doesn’t work out or if I get a new contract and then get cut, what message will that send to kids trying out for their football team? That we’re not enough? We can’t be the best?
There’s a reason no one else has come forward. I lost my career because I was outed, and now I have to fight my way back. It’s easy for people who don’t live in my world to say everyone should come out, but they have no clue what it’s like in a locker room.
“Doesn’t have anything to do with getting caught with your pants down in a nightclub,” Noah says. “In an ideal world, you would’ve done this on your own time, but we don’t live like that.”
“Don’t remind me.”
“One day, maybe.” Kisses land on the back of my neck and then my shoulder. “Did I ever tell you about the time my dad outed me to the entire world?”
I tense. “What?”
“When I was caught with Nathaniel, instead of talking to me about it, Dad called his advisors. They said it could be beneficial to the campaign as long as they embraced it and didn’t try to hide it. A few days later, he was giving a press conference telling the world how proud he was to have a gay son.”
I roll over underneath him so we’re face to face. “What the fuck? That’s never okay.”
Noah shrugs. “I was out to everyone except my parents. My friends all knew, it wasn’t like I was hiding it, and if I’d protested, I’m sure my father wouldn’t have done it …” The suspicion in his eyes gives away the fact he’s not entirely sure that’s true. “But I’ve had a taste of what you went through, and I know it’s hard. If I could make it better for you, I would.” He lowers his voice as he lowers his forehead to mine. “I’d take your burden and make it mine to give you a break.”
“Why?” I croak.
“Do you know how many times I stared at those photos of you in that club?”
The switch in direction makes me think he doesn’t want to answer my question, so I don’t push. “Did you wish it were you on your knees?”
“I’ve always thought you were gorgeous.”
“Even now with my beard gone?” I rub my face along his jaw and neck. I already miss my beard.
“I did like the beard. Felt good on my balls while you sucked me off.”
I laugh and talk without thinking. “Fuck, I’ve missed you.”
He stills on top of me, and I know I’ve messed up. It’s only been a couple days since I saw him in Philly.
“I mean in a I want to fuck you kinda way. Not anything more.” I tell myself I’m not lying. He mentioned balls and made me laugh. Missing that doesn’t mean anything. I just like having someone to joke around with after years of no humor in my life. Something in the back of my conscience doesn’t believe me, but it’s so quiet I can ignore the voice telling me to back away before I become the one thing Noah doesn’t want—interested in more.