Brody stares at the envelope the same way I have been for the past half an hour. “Want me to open it for you?”
That envelope is gonna be opened one way or another, so I take it out of his hands. “I’ll do it.” It’s my thing. Karen would insist I put my big-boy pants on.
The paper weighs a hundred kilos suddenly. Taking a deep breath, I rip it open to get it over with.
I mentally prepare for a bad reaction. To panic. Maybe break down.
Reading over the exact words we were expecting is as anticlimactic as my life ever gets. I have no reaction, good or bad. I’m numb and stoic and surprisingly neutral.
“Oh God, you’ve gone catatonic. I’m gonna call Law and then Karen, and then—”
“Brody,” I say slowly.
His eyes meet mine.
“I’m okay.” Weirdly.
“How okay?”
“I dunno. I’m just … okay. For now.”
“When does he get out?”
I take a deep breath. “He actually got out two days ago.”
“And they’re only telling you now?” he booms and snatches the letter from me.
“It’s my fault. I’d forwarded my mail for six months and forgot to renew it. I think this has been floating around trying to find me.”
He narrows his eyes. “How … How are you not losing it right now? I feel like I could lose it, and I don’t even know the guy. I don’t understand.”
I don’t either. Not really. “I hate him. I hate him more than I’ve ever hated anything or anyone in my entire life. If I could choose between having him gone forever but being stuck with this stupid anxiety or knowing he’s in my life and being fine, I would choose to be like this but never have to worry about seeing him again.”
“I’ll make sure you never see him again.”
I don’t doubt Brody’s conviction. “There’s something else though.”
“What?”
“Knowing he’s out in the world, there’s a new voice inside me that seems to be louder than all the others.”
“You’re hearing voices? I’m calling Karen.”
I chuckle. Wrapping my arms around Brody’s waist, I pull him towards me. I’m still sitting, so I lay my head on his chest, because what I need to get out is going to give away the fact that I’m so in love with this man I can barely stand it.
I’m with someone who shows me daily what true love is. Not manipulated love or angry love. Not complicated love. It’s not co-dependent like what I have with my brother.
Brody has given me the ability to stand on my own, but I choose to stand with him.
“The voice belongs to you,” I whisper. “You make me believe I can work through anything and survive. You let me borrow your strength until I’m strong enough to carry my weight myself. And this”—I take the letter—“is just something else I won’t let drag me back down.” I swallow hard. “Because of you.”
“Aww, Anders.” Brody’s voice is croaky which is not like him.
When I raise my head, Brody’s eyes are wet, and I realise it’s time.
“I love you,” I blurt. “I’m in love with you.”
His eyes widen, because yeah, even though I know it, and I’ve known it for a while, I haven’t had the courage to say it.
Brody’s hinted on his side. Said things and then taken them back.
We’re still building trust and getting better every day, but this love thing with him is easy.
“I love you too.” Brody’s body relaxes into me, as if the weight of the world’s been lifted off his chest.
“You’ve been holding on to that for a while, huh?” I’m only half-joking.
“You have no idea.”
I grin. “I kinda do. Do you know you talk in your sleep sometimes?”
He gasps. “I do not.”
“Yeah, you do.”
“Fuck, I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to put that pressure on you, and—”
I cut him off with my lips on his. It’s brief and only to make a point, and when I pull back, Brody looks at me with a cute confusion line across his forehead.
“The reason I didn’t bring it up is because I wasn’t ready, but I knew they were my issues and not yours. You’ve never once pressured me to do anything, and I love that about you. I love everything about you.”
“Mmm, someone’s earning their blowjob.”
I snort. “Sadly, now there’s only twenty minutes until Law’s expecting us, and it takes fifteen to get there. You gonna go change too?”
Stupid letter is now cockblocking me as well as delivering shitty news.
Brody huffs. “Fine. But tonight. When we get home.”
“Promise.”
I force a smile though. This apartment is a new safety zone for me. I’ve accepted Kyle’s release while inside these walls, but I’m worried once I get out there, it’ll be different, and a panic attack is a nice way to spoil an evening of orgasms.
Only, I’m not going to hide from whatever reaction I have. I’ll fight it every step of the way.