“I just don’t know if it’ll trigger me,” he says, and I still.
It’s so easy to forget that sex might not be the only intimacy he struggles with. I’m reminded of all the times in the past few months where I’ve seen him pale or twitchy. I thought it was him being awkward, but it’s been him trying to control his anxiety.
My heart lurches, and for a brief moment I wonder again if he’s holding back something important from me.
The way he says it, he can’t ever let his guard down in fear of being in a vulnerable position, but the trust issue he has with me doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, unless his attack was worse than he let on.
The thought of sexual assault fills my head, not for the first time, and I want to ask him again, but I’ve already asked him twice and he’s said no each time.
I won’t push, but I can’t shake the feeling that he’s not telling me everything.
Which makes me worry this could be too much for him. Too much for me. It could be so easy and unintentional to hurt him, and that would kill me.
Anders smiles down at me. “So far so good.” His face makes the doubt almost go away.
“Let me know if it gets too much.”
He lowers his head and nods against my neck.
We relax into a pile of limbs and unwashed stomachs, and just before I think I might drift off, Anders shifts against me.
“We should get cleaned up.”
“Did I cross the line?” I ask.
He shakes his head. “No. I was kinda thinking … could we try sleeping in the same bed tonight?”
There’s nothing I want more than taking Anders to bed and holding him all night. Ever since finding out his deal, it’s taken everything in me not to do it, but I’m hesitant.
“I don’t want to push you too fast.”
“Neither do I, but lying here right now, I think I could go to sleep. And I slept on you the other night. I have to know … like, if we can do this, then maybe I’m getting better.”
No pressure. “Then we’ll try.”
“Thank you.”
“We’ll go into my bed so you can leave the minute you feel uncomfortable, okay?”
In response, Anders kisses me softly.
15
Anderson
I don’t sleep. I can’t. Apparently, that’s still a too-vulnerable position for me. But I also don’t find myself getting up.
I like lying next to Brody. I like his body pressed against mine, the way his messy hair gets even messier as he sleeps, and I even find his tiny little snore cute.
It’s not until a sliver of sunlight cracks through the blinds in Brody’s room that I realise I’ve stayed with him the whole night without sleeping a wink.
Hours of staring at him, learning every curve of his jaw and perfectly symmetrical nose, and memorising his model good looks.
I can do the sleep-deprived thing. I’ve done it a million times over and then some. It’s not good for my condition because lack of sleep can make me edgy, but right this second, I can’t bring myself to pull away from him.
I don’t know where he gets his muscular physique from considering he works all the time. My fingers run over his shoulder and down his arm. He’s well-built but not veiny big. He’s strong in an effortless way, like it’s a natural trait for him.
I’d kill to hold on to this moment where I’m completely relaxed around him for the first time possibly ever.
We hooked up, I didn’t have a panic attack, and now I’m lying in his arms with no warning signs in sight. Well, apart from the not sleeping thing, but it was probably asking too much to begin with.
He’s hard against me, his dick awake before he is, but it doesn’t take long for the rest of him to catch up.
“Mmm.” Brody moves his hips, digging his morning erection into my hip, but then it’s as if he remembers who he’s with. He slumps and rolls onto his back. “Dammit. We’re not supposed to do stuff, are we?”
“Not supposed to, no, but that didn’t stop us last night.”
A long sigh comes out of Brody’s mouth. “It should have. I don’t want to mess this up.”
“You’re not messing anything up. You’re helping me.”
Brody frowns. “Helping. Is that what this … whole thing is?”
“What do you mean?”
Brody yawns and stretches before rolling to face me again. “Looking for clarification, I guess. I don’t really feel comfortable being the guy you test your limits on.”
“What do you mean?”
“I want to see where this can go. Like properly.”
I want that too is on the tip of my tongue, but I can’t bring myself to say it. “I … I don’t know if I can promise that, but I can promise to try.” How can someone be in a relationship if they can’t even sleep next to them?