So, the following night when I come home to another home-cooked meal, he asks me to tell him about my mum.
The next night, the topic is my brother, Parker, who I rarely ever see, because after uni he was offered a job overseas. Like our sister, he doesn’t care about Dad’s approval.
How I got that gene, I don’t know, but my siblings sure as shit don’t have it.
We spend the rest of the week basically talking all about me and my pretty boring existence. Though, if I got a choice between my trouble-free life and something like what Anders went through, I would take boring any day.
Because I arrive home so late from work, immediately after dinner we go to our separate bedrooms to sleep alone.
Numerous times while eating dinner and talking, I get lost in what I’m saying as I eye Anders over the dining table.
He lets me talk, rarely interrupts unless it’s to ask a question, and he smiles and frowns in all the right places, letting me know he’s actually listening.
It’s casual and almost feels like dating but with no follow-through at the end.
On Friday, he brings up my dad again.
“So what’s the deep-seated reason you want to impress your father?”
I huff. Isn’t that a loaded question. “Getting into the hard questions already?”
Anders laughs.
I place my cutlery beside my plate. “Well, if you ask my mum, she’ll probably tell you I have abandonment issues. They broke up when I was five. Rachel was two, and Parker was seven. She moved us away from Brisbane and up to the Sunshine Coast to be closer to her family, so we rarely saw him. And when we did, he’d hire a nanny to actually look after us. He was always in his study or at the office. He didn’t really make time for us.”
“So you decided to become just like him? Doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.”
I shrug. “I guess it’s my way of trying to bond with him and have that father-son relationship we never had. My brother and sister think I’m nuts to even try, but there are these moments with him, where I can see some semblance of a good father, and I think yes! This is it. This is where I get his approval and acceptance. Then he’ll give the same praise to another associate at work, and I want to bang my head on my desk.”
“Why put yourself through that?”
“Masochism is fun,” I say sarcastically.
Anders purses his lips. “Can I ask something that may be overstepping?”
“After what you’ve told me about your life, pretty sure I’m an open book.”
“Does it have to do with you being gay?”
I frown.
“I only ask because like you said, your brother and sister don’t really care to get to know the man because he didn’t seem to ever make the effort to know you. I’m wondering if maybe you’re trying to overcompensate. It’s not uncommon for queer kids to fight extra hard for acceptance from parents. Does … does he know you’re gay?”
I nod. “He knows. But we don’t talk about it. Like, at all. He isn’t what I’d call homophobic, but I don’t think he likes that I’m gay. He tries to stay out of it as much as possible and kind of pretends my sexuality doesn’t exist. And if I’m honest, I’m okay with that. One hundred percent. I don’t want to get into it with him either.”
“What did he say when you came out to him?”
“‘Okay.’” I use air quotes.
“Okay? That’s it?”
“Yup. Then he told me I should enrol in some online classes at uni over the school break so I could do the three-year degree instead of four.”
Anders smiles. “And you ran off and did as you were told?”
“Well … yeah.”
“I guess I should be congratulating you, then.”
I cock my head.
“With daddy issues like those, I’m surprised you’re not a rent boy. Or one of those go-go dancers at that fuck bar on Queen Street.”
I scoff. “That was my backup plan if uni didn’t work out.”
“What do you think you’ll do if you ever get your dad’s approval?”
Well, fuck. There’s a question I’ve never actually asked myself.
What will I do the day my dad says he’s proud of me?
Uh, quit working at a job I don’t even like?
I mean, I like it enough. I love finding loopholes and studying the law, but it certainly doesn’t fulfil me. And trying cases like this latest one has me up at night.
Anders starts singing the thinking song from Jeopardy.
“Honestly?” I say. “I don’t know. Is it bad that even though I want a good relationship with the man, I don’t think it’ll ever happen?”
“Do you want an honest answer to that?”
“Probably not.”
Anders laughs. “He doesn’t sound like he’s worth the effort. Anyone can be a father. Not everyone can be a dad.”