But in this moment, when Brody’s hand cups my jaw, I cringe. He mistakes it as a shudder of pleasure and moans into my mouth.
Breathe through it, Anders. It’s just a hand.
I told him I want this, and now I’m scared I’ll have to take it back.
He pushes his tongue into my mouth. His lips are soft, and the kiss sends all the blood south to my groin. It’s enough to make my brain switch off, if only for a second.
I want more. I want it to stop. Want to breathe and pass out at the same time.
That damn hand is ruining everything. It moves from the side of my face to the back of my hair, and that’s when I know for sure this isn’t going to work. The move is too controlling, and that it’s on my left side makes it worse. I’m self-conscious of my scar, and it reminds me of why I can’t have this.
I pull back, probably a little too fast to be considered normal.
“What’s wrong?” he asks, his voice barely above a breath. His brow scrunches in concern, and I hate that look. I don’t need pity. I just need to do this. I need to prove to myself I can do it.
Instead of stopping this like I should, I try to come up with ways to make it happen.
“Sit on your hands,” I say.
“Huh?”
“Sit. On. Your. Hands.”
He doesn’t move, waiting for me to elaborate. So not gonna.
When he gives in, he does as I say, and my fingers travel down and skim the outline of his impressively large, and incredibly hard, cock through his expensive Calvin Klein boxer briefs. My own cock twitches.
I only get harder with how hot he looks, sitting on his hands, his eyelids hooded and mouth slightly parted.
Okay, I can do this. This, I can handle.
My hands work to free his cock through the small hole in his boxers, and I drop to my knees on the carpet. In fear of panicking any second, I don’t have time to tease him like I normally would, so I take him as far as I can in my mouth. Everything about him is bigger than the guys I’m used to dating, and when I gag, I’m brought back to a time where I dated only bigger guys. That makes me think of Kyle, and I don’t want to go down that path right now.
Push him out of your head. He doesn’t belong there anymore. Breathe through your nose and think about the here and now.
Brody.
His smile.
His kindness.
I force myself to slow down and drown everything out, even though I want fast and messy just to get it over with.
I’m in a conflicted state of constant want for more and the urge to run away, but the noises falling from his lips root me in place.
His cock is thick in my mouth, and the heady flavour of precum hits my tastebuds. I hum around him, and for a brief moment the rest of the world finally fades away.
My mind clears.
It’s as if time slows down, and all I can do is hold on and savour the moment. I hope it never stops.
Then I feel him shift, and I’m brought back into the present. My heart rate kicks into overdrive. I glance up, my lips still around his cock, but I prepare to pull away the second he removes his hands from underneath him. But he doesn’t. He’s only trying to get closer to the edge of the couch so he can control his thrusts as he fucks my mouth.
I let him do it, because as long as he’s sitting on his hands, I can take it. As long as those hands don’t move, I can let go the most my brain has ever allowed me to.
The need to rush this is long gone, and I close my eyes, experiencing. It’s like I’m having sex for the first time. Brody’s moans, and the way his cock pulses in my mouth, he has an all-consuming need I can feel from him as he trembles beneath me.
My hand cups his balls, squeezing lightly.
“Anders,” he says breathlessly.
Even my name on his lips does something to my insides.
“I want to touch you.”
I freeze. My shoulders tense, and my throat constricts. The throat that currently has a cock occupying it. That makes me choke and splutter.
Dammit. So close.
“Not part of the deal,” I say. “If you want to come, don’t touch.”
He opens his mouth but pauses as if choosing to say something else instead. “That kinda sounds like something a hooker would say. You’re not gonna charge me after this, right?” He smiles, and I’m so fucking relieved he went for the joke instead of making this a thing.
I scoff. “Like you could afford me.”
Brody laughs, but when I lower my head and go back to sucking and licking him, something’s changed. The mere suggestion of him touching me means I’m back in my head, overthinking and overanalysing. I think he senses the moment’s gone too.