“I know Law’s a great guy. You don’t need to sell me on it. But I don’t know if I can forgive him. I hate liars—I was with one for almost four years. I don’t need another lying asshole in my life when I spent the last six months getting over the last one.”
“If you’ve spent a month with my brother and don’t know he’s not a lying asshole, then maybe I was wrong in coming here to try to make things right. He’s one of the worst liars in the world. You probably didn’t notice because you weren’t looking for it.”
All those times Law would clam up or he or ‘Anders’ would twitch and stand awkwardly. Their shared tic.
I huff. I thought he was uncomfortable because of Anders’ attack, but now I know it’s because he was trying to cover up a lie.
“Law made a mistake and didn’t know how to get out of it. Part of him didn’t want to because he didn’t want to lose you,” Anders says. “If that doesn’t prove to you he loves you … then … I guess I’ll see myself out.”
Anders gets to the door before I find my voice. “Just … I need time. To process shit.”
With a nod, he walks out of my apartment, and I stare at the door wondering if I could really forgive a guy who pretended to be someone else so he could be with me.
The words play over and over in my head until they have no more meaning, and I’m left more confused than before.
My name is Reed, and I’m a cowardly coward. At least, that’s what I’d say if they had a support group like AA for people who are too chickenshit to face an ex. If that’s even what I can call Law. I have no idea what we are, were, or what he ever thought we were going to be. Did he think we could live forever with me thinking he was Anders?
I call in sick the Monday after everything goes down so I don’t have to take the union kids to see Law. I ignore his I’m sorry and please let me explain texts and the two calls, mainly because he’s still saved in my phone as Anders, and each time his name flashes on the screen, I get angry again.
Logic would say to change the name in my phone, but I don’t; I want to stay mad at him, and my resolve is cracking. I’m holding on to any remaining anger that I can.
That bastard.
Deep down, I know what he did to me is a lot different than what my ex did to me, but it feels the same. It leaves me unsure of myself and in a weird state of wondering what I did wrong. But in this case, I know I did nothing wrong. I was oblivious to the whole damn thing.
Still, knowing all those times I was with Anders I was actually with Law … it makes the memories of us shine brighter in my head somehow. A stupid warmth rushes through me at the thought of me and him, and I hate him a little more because of it.
When the following Monday rolls around, and there’s been a full week of radio silence from the Steele brothers, I brace myself to be the bigger person and act civil during martial arts class. The thought of dropping the union occurred to me briefly, but the kids are more important than the issues I have with Law.
I can do this.
As soon as I walk through the doors of the dojo, my eyes find Law’s and my feet stall in the middle of the walkway.
I can’t do this.
One of the kids nudges me from behind, and that gets my feet walking. Instead of heading for the training room, though, my feet go in the direction of Law, as if I’m wearing steel-capped boots and he’s a giant magnet.
His cheeks are hollow, and his eyes seem empty—lifeless. I wonder if he’s slept about as well as I have these past two weeks.
“Hey.” He casts his gaze down as he talks, and I hate that I’m the one doing that to him.
How fucked up is that? He screws me over, yet I’m the one feeling guilty.
Unresolved attraction puts me in my place. I was worried this would happen—that I’d get in Law’s presence and my need for him would outweigh my anger. It wasn’t his fault he lied to me in the beginning, and it’s not as if I would’ve kept seeing him if he’d told me the truth. He should’ve told me that first night before anything happened, but once he didn’t, there was no turning back. That doesn’t negate the fact he kept sleeping with me.
How am I supposed to get past that?