“Self-imposed?” It was anger. Hate for the past. For everything we’d been pushed into. The atrocities we’d witnessed as fucking little kids and convinced it was just the way. And the way was what it’d become.
“Just admit what it is, man. You’re fuckin’ scared that you care about someone other than yourself. Other than your son. Other than us.”
One reason.
“I promised Nathan.” The words slashed from my tongue. Pure bitterness and straight anguish. In this oath I would never forget.
Jud flinched and then leaned closer. “You know that’s not what he meant.”
“He gave up his life for it. I’m pretty sure he meant it.”
A big palm landed on my shoulder, and he squeezed tight. “Yeah, he meant for you to live. Not to fuckin’ hide away.”
“He did it for Gage.”
Grief clutched Jud’s face. “He did it because he was the best, Trent. Because he was nothing but good, sacrificing himself for the rest of us. Way he always did.”
Agony gripped me.
My twin.
My twin.
One who was so good.
One who was kind.
One who had no blood on his hands, yet he was the one who’d died.
My lips pressed into a thin line. “Those bullets were meant for me.”
Jud clamped down on my shoulder. “Yeah, because you were the one taking the risk to get the rest of us out of there.”
“And Nathan ended up dead because of it.”
Shots.
Screams.
Blood.
Pain poured its wrath into my soul.
Drowning.
Felt like my chest was gonna cave with the misery.
Jud’s voice shifted in desperation. “You’ve got to let it go, man. The guilt. This wasn’t what Nathan wanted. Hell, he’d be destroyed if he knew the way you’ve carried this.”
I whirled on Jud, words low and razor-sharp. “Destroyed? You’re right, Jud. He is. Destroyed. Gone. Because of me.”
My fist slammed down on the bar as I fought against the consequences of the choices I’d made.
All because I’d gone after a piece of forbidden ass.
A bid of retaliation that had ruined my brother and given me the greatest gift.
Gage.
One reason. One reason.
Frustration blew from Jud’s mouth, and he spun away, his elbows planted on the bar as he took a swig of his beer. Finally, he cut his eye my way, his tone softer than it’d been.
“Yeah. He is gone. Fuckin’ gone and it fuckin’ hurts. All of us hurt, Trent. All of us loved him like mad, and there’s a big fuckin’ hole in the middle of us where he used to be. But it isn’t your blame, brother. And until you give up that guilt, stop condemning yourself like you were the only one involved? That bastard won that piece of you. Stole it.”
He angled in closer, his voice his own animosity. “I bet he’s holding it like a parting prize where he’s floating at the bottom of the sea. You gonna let him keep it?”
Jud might as well have punched me in the rib cage.
Way the breath hurled from my lungs.
An assault of emotions that broke me open.
Fracturing and fraying.
Anguish and hate. Loss and this hope.
Fuck.
I fisted a hand in my hair.
Sage appeared in front of us and leaned on the bar. “Hey, it’s getting quiet, so I cut Eden loose. She’s been running the entire night and I know she was at her other job early this morning. Sure she’d appreciate some extra sleep tonight.”
Could barely nod and force out, “Good.”
Needed her out of my sight. Out of my thoughts. Out of my fucking heart.
Didn’t know how I’d let her get there in the first place.
Why this was tearing me up.
Couldn’t go there. Couldn’t. I knew better.
But it didn’t matter because I was already there when I felt the shift wrestle the atmosphere. The ripple of morbid interest. The rush of fear as a storm of shouts came from down the long hall that was off-limits to customers.
Still, a bunch of people rushed that way like they wanted to get a better look at what was going down.
I jumped to my feet. Jud was right beside me, dude casting me a worried look as we started to shove through the throng that was pushing and gawking.
I tossed them aside, desperation lighting in my blood, sinking deep into my bones as I fought to make it to the hall.
Eyes searching for a glimpse of Eden through the mayhem.
Heaven. Heaven.
I finally made it through the crush of bodies at the head of the hall just as Kult came barreling out, his eyes wide, the giant shaken.
“What’s going on?” I shouted over the clamor.
Rage burned through his expression, every muscle in his hulking body corded. Ready to strike.
He jerked his head backward. “Employee lot.”
“What is it?” I demanded, angling around the corner, glancing at him as I stalked down the long corridor at close to a jog.
“Some fucked up shit, boss.”
“Who?”
“Eden—” was all he got out before I broke into a sprint at her name. I flew the rest of the way down the hall and burst out the door that was already sitting partially open.