‘Three,’ I say.
He raises his eyebrows.
‘You’re far more versed in Walden than you let on,’ I say.
And not a dickhead at all, I think to myself.
Pieces
Isn’t that what all of life is anyway?
Shards. Bits. Moments.
Am I less because I have fewer, or do the few I have mean more?
Am I just as full as anyone else? Enough?
Pieces.
Allys saying ‘I like you’.
Gabriel snorting out bread, freeing me to laugh.
And Ethan reminding me how much I do know.
Pieces.
I hold them like they are life itself.
They nearly are.
Fine Tuning
‘Don’t forget, I’m coming home with Ethan,’ I call out to the kitchen. ‘So don’t pick me up.’
I walk down the hallway, turn around, and walk back again, watching myself in the full-length mirror. I lift my feet carefully, but it seems overdone. Maybe it’s my arms? Do they swing properly? I go back to the end of the hallway and try again.
Claire calls back, not to me but to Lily, loud so I can hear, ‘Did you hear that, Mom? Jenna’s coming home with Ethan. Sounds almost like a date.’
I smile. The last few days, Mother has been so cheerful, almost giddy that school has gone well. Perhaps she sees my life—and hers—coming back to us.
I stare at the mirror. I think it’s my knees. I walk slowly, willing them into smooth movements. Better. I go to the kitchen. ‘It’s not a date, Mother. I’m just working at the Mission with Ethan until I find my own community project.’
Mother tilts her head and rolls her eyes. ‘Oh. Sure. A community project. I’ve seen Ethan the last two days when I picked you up. He’s—’
‘Claire!’ Lily yells. ‘What’s gotten into you? Do you really think it’s wise to encourage this? Dating? Think it through!’
I glare at Lily. Mother and I are finally having something that resembles a conversation and she has to put a stop to it. Why does she have to be so annoying? So small-minded? So—
‘Don’t be such a dickhead, Lily!’ I tell her.
Mother’s jaw drops and she seems to forget what she was going to say.
Lily is silent for a moment and then bends over the counter.
Laughing? Is she laughing?
I’m afraid I will never understand either one of them.