“Yeah, but a little over a year ago now, Sandro and his wife, Willow—when they were still just dating—they got into it bad. We were trying to sort out how to deal with this rival family that was threatening Marco, and Luca wanted him to take this snitch’s family hostage. Sandro didn’t want to, but he agreed, and Willow overheard him. The thing was, she didn’t want anything to do with our family or the life. She was willing to overlook a few things because she loved Sandro, but when she heard that he was willing to do that, she flipped out. She ran home, packed her bags, and went back to Cali, where she lives.” Gabriel’s eyes glazed over, and I could tell he was replaying the scene in his head. “Sandro was so afraid of losing her that he couldn’t walk straight. I offered to drive him to her mom’s place, where she was staying. It was a huge mistake.”
“Why?” I asked. We’d both stopped eating the ice cream now. The music sounded a thousand miles away. All I could hear was the screaming pain in Gabriel’s voice. “What happened?”
“He got down on his knees, and he begged her not to go, but she went anyway. She walked around him, and her brother drove her to the airport, and she left.” One of Gabriel’s hands was curling into a fist that was white at the knuckles. “He just sat there. For a really long time. He just sat on the ground on his knees. I was standing there the whole time, and I should have approached him or comforted him or something, but I couldn’t bring myself to get near him. I was afraid.”
“Afraid?”
“I’ve seen the way my brothers can get with their women. He had a gun on him, and I guess—”
“You were afraid he was going to hurt you.”
“He’s never hurt me before, and I had no reason to think that he would. I just stood there and watched him change, slowly, but surely. When he finally got up, we rode home in silence. I didn’t hear anything out of his mouth until the next day when we were in Luca’s office. We were trying to figure out what to do about these threats Marco had gotten, and Sandro, he just…he snapped. He damn near broke Luca’s nose, then he pushed me, and I nearly shattered my skull on the corner of Luca’s desk. Mol saved my life on that one.” He sighed. “It’s my fault. I should have done something. I should have chased Willow and tried to convince her to stay, or maybe I shouldn’t have brought him there at all. At least I could have given him a hug or something. I was a coward.”
To my shock, there was moisture gathering around the corners of Gabriel’s eyes. “This is all my fault. He’s a totally different person now.”
I grabbed the bucket of ice cream and moved it over to the coffee table, then I slid forward and wrapped my arms around Gabriel’s back. I pressed his head into my shoulder and rubbed. For a few seconds, it was just me, but then Gabriel’s arms wrapped around me in return. He held me close, taking deep, even breaths.
“That snap was always going to happen. You can’t hold yourself responsible for it, Gabe. You can’t make the darkness inside your brothers your problem. I know you love them, but you should be worried about bringing out their light, not fighting their shadows.” I pulled away a little to set my hands on either side of Gabriel’s face. “I can’t pretend to have any kind of solution for you and your family, but I’m here for you. Talk to me. Lean on me. Don’t bear these burdens all alone, okay? Promise me you won’t.”
Gabriel shook his head. “I can’t task you with this. I can’t drag anyone else in.”
“What do you think you did when you showed up in my yoga studio that day?” I asked with a small smile. “I was already gone.”
Gabriel nodded. “Me too.”
“So then it’s already too late. Just let me be here for you. I trust you to keep me safe.”
Gabriel rubbed his hand over my face. “I’ll never let anything hurt you.”
“I know.” I kissed his lips and pulled him back into a hug. “I’ve never felt more protected.”
17
Gabriel
The hours seemed to blend together whenever I was with Stacy. I’d look at the clock, and then I’d look back a few minutes later only to find hours had passed. She was a sweet release from my world crumbling down around me. For a sweet afternoon, I didn’t have to think about the way I’d abandoned Alessandro when he needed me most, or that I didn’t have a real answer for Ricky when he claimed I was my family’s great defender. I knew all the solutions to the problems we were having but didn’t have any idea how to get to them. When my head was pounding, my blood was thrumming at a sickening pace, and my stomach wouldn’t calm down, the second I leaned against Stacy and heard her voice in my ear telling me she was there for me, it all floated away from me, leaving me suspended in space.
We’d spent the afternoon tossing questions back and forth at one another to get to know each other better. Call it the nature of the life I led, but I hadn’t much thought about my favorite color, or favorite movie, or favorite food. In a way, the more time I spent with Stacy, the more time I spent with myself. Who knew that Gabriel Varasso’s favorite food was a cheeseburger with cheese cooked right into the middle, or that he really enjoyed spending time outside when it rained? Certainly not me. Stacy taught me more about myself in a single afternoon than I’d learned in an entire twenty-three years of life. It was astounding, and scary, and electrifying. The more of me she asked for, the more I wanted to give her. The more of me I shared with her, the more I started to feel like a whole person and not a bastard child in Varasso limbo.
“So, then my mom says,” Stacy continued, her subtle New York accent breaking forth in her excitement, “if you really want to lose your virginity here, at least let me make sure the qi is perfect. Women shouldn’t lose their virginity if the qi isn’t perfect. With the guy standing right fucking there.” She took a scoop of the second pint of ice cream we were on. “Needless to say, we ended up doing it in his car. I’m not proud of that, but I guess I’ve always regretted never having like a real first time, you know. Candles, rose petals, music. The whole shebang. Quick and dirty is good, too, though.”
I made a mental note of that desire. If a night of pure romance with candles, rose petals, and music was what she wanted, it was what she would get. I had to sort things out with my brothers, but at soon as things calmed down, I’d plan the night she always dreamed of. In a few months, I could do it again. As many times as she wanted.
“Your turn,” she worked out of her mouth around another bite of ice cream. “Who was the lucky lady that deflowered Gabriel Varasso?”
I chuckled. “Well, and I swear I’m not making this up to compliment
your story, I planned all of that for my high school girlfriend, but the night I was going to bring her, I found out she was cheating on me. Turns out, girls can get impatient when you don’t put out. Go figure.”
Stacy scoffed. “God! Some women are so dumb.” She hissed the insult like it was going to go flying out the window and make its way to my ex. “Did you do it anyway?”
“I wanted to, actually.” I took my own scoop of ice cream. “But she was already gone. She broke up with me, and then I ended up getting hammered and just doing it one night. Nothing exciting. The chick wouldn’t even give me her last name. She was just Hannah from the Bar until I finally deleted her after a painful ghosting.”
Stacy’s lips curved down into a pitying frown. “Aw. Poor popped Gabe.”
I shrugged. “There’s a happy ending. I eventually met this hot yoga studio instructor. Like…hot. She brought me home on the first night. The sex gods made up for their transgressions.”
Stacy put her finger to her lips in faux-curiosity. “Tell me more about this yoga studio instructor? Does she have beautiful, long, blonde hair.”