When I said the words, I honestly didn’t know which fuck up I was referring to. There had been so many. I’d fucked up with Stacy, I’d fucked up with Luca, I’d fucked up with Alessandro. I’d just fucked up.
“What happened?” Marco asked, and I was equally unsure which happening he was referring to.
“I went out with this chick,” I started, opting for Stacy, too afraid to cop to Alessandro or Anthony Carducci. “Everything was great. I mean, it just felt like she was, you know, the one or something. After just one day. That’s fucked, right?”
Marco crossed his thick arms. “No. I’d tell you, and I think Luca and Sandro would, too. Sometimes you just feel it. It’s cruel, isn’t it? For people like us? It’s like fate is dangling a dream in front of us that we can’t have.”
I hunched my brow. “You do have it.” Marco’s head bobbled to and fro. “Wait. You and Kelly aren’t…”
Marco took a sip of his water. “No, I mean, it’s not like how things are with Luca and Molly or Sandro and Willow. Or even you and…”
“Stacy,” I filled in.
“But, uh…” Marco hissed out a breath. “I have to apologize to you.”
It was a drastic change in subject and made me think Marco wasn’t ready to approach the other one yet. It scared me. I didn’t need another thing falling apart in our family. “For what?”
“For what?” Marco repeated. “For everything. I resented you all this time. You were just as much an innocent bystander in our dad’s shit as we all were. I could have spent all this time preparing you for this life, and instead, I bullied you. Then I packed up and left you with more than the lion’s share of the organization and expected you to adjust. It’s not fair.”
I wasn’t quite sure what to say to that. Luca and Marco had been experiencing guilt over me lately, and I didn’t know what the source was. I wasn’t about to pull that band-aid, but I did wish I knew what put it there so that I could look out for whatever could potentially come and snatch it off.
“Thanks, Marco. You know, I never blamed you guys. I don’t think I’d behave differently if I was in your shoes.”
“You would have because you’re a much better person than the rest of us, Gabe. Seriously. Each day that passes, I feel like I should be back here in Philly so that you can be the one running off with the love of your life. That’s what you deserve.” He sighed. “But I’m selfish. I think about it, and I imagine how that would mean I’d have to give up my life now. Kelly and the kids. I can’t do that.”
I leaned forward a little. “Kids? More than one?”
Marco hadn’t noticed the slip but breathed deeply when I pointed it out. “Yeah. Kel’s pregnant.”
My jaw dropped. “Holy shit. Seriously?”
“We got into it pretty bad before I left. I told her I didn’t think it was a good idea.” Marco ran a hand through his hair. “It’s just bad timing. Sandro, things with Luca and Molly, you’re a fucking wreck. We should all be together getting through this shit, but Kelly’s never gonna go for it. Certainly not with another kid on the way. I mean, I love being a dad, but I got so caught up being Kevin Peterson that I forgot I’m actually Marco Varasso.”
/> “You’re out now, though. If you can stay out, I can bear this burden,” I replied, and I meant it. I didn’t want to drag my brothers back in, not after they had so painstakingly clawed their way out.
“That’s not fair,” Marco said again. “After all the shit we put you through, how can we ask you to uphold our bullshit? If it wasn’t for all this, you’d be off with that Stacy girl, I bet.”
I didn’t respond. He wasn’t wrong.
“You’re just too soft for this world, man.”
I puffed up. It was a random insult thrown into what had been an otherwise pleasant, bonding conversation.
Marco chuckled and waved his hand at me. “Simmer down, Donald Duck. It’s a good thing. I wish I was softer.” He let out a sudden burst of laughter. “Good god, dad would have beat the shit out of me if he heard me say that.”
“I’d rather take on more than my share,” I said. “I’ll step up. I promise.” I thought about what had happened today. “If I survive long enough.”
Marco furrowed his brow. “Why wouldn’t you?”
As if on cue, my phone rang. I pulled it out of my pocket to look at who it was, but I didn’t need to. I stared at Luca’s name on the screen until it stopped ringing and continued to stare until it started up again. Luca’s name appeared on the top a second time.
“Is it Luca? You know he hates being ignored. You better get it,” Marco explained.
A waitress came by to drop our food, and I looked up at her. “I’m sorry, can you pack it to go? I’m so sorry.” She nodded kindly and took the plates back. I looked at Marco. “I’m in trouble.”
“What’d you do?” he asked.
“Luca had a meeting planned with Anthony Carducci today. I begged him to let me do it. I’d already broken the news to him that a documentary has been released with us in it, though all the information is exaggerated or false, and he’s so stressed. Stacy saw it, and that’s how I know. Also, she won’t talk to me.” I grumbled, not even wanting to admit the next part out loud. “This reservation was for the two of us, but then I bumped into Stacy and chased her down. When I got back, the hostess handed me this.” I fished the napkin out of my pocket and handed it over.