Until now.
And that’s exactly what I’d done with Luca. I’d presented him with my heart. Almost on bended knee. I was better than this. Stronger. I felt sick when I thought about how vulnerable I’d allowed myself to be with him.
I’d like to blame it on my own stupidity, but it’d been about more than that. Don’t get me wrong, I had definitely been stupid. A total imbecile, in fact. But while I was willing to admit that, he had to take a portion of the blame, too.
It’d started with that first twenty-four-hour period in the mansion. All the events that had transpired kept my head spinning. I hadn’t known which way to turn.
So I’d turned toward him.
And he’d turned toward me. I thought. For physical pleasure, maybe. I thought it’d been more, but boy, had I ever been wrong. Just put a dunce hat on my head. I’d earned it.
It would’ve been so much easier if he’d been a towering douchebag the entire time, but he hadn’t. While I’d seen his more violent side in glimpses, the Luca Varasso I’d gotten to know hadn’t behaved like the stereotypical mob boss. To me, that brought to mind images of the machine-gun toting thugs on certai
n television shows and the Dons in movies like The Godfather.
But that’s not how he’d been.
Some aspects of him might be larger than life like those examples, but ninety-five percent of Luca had just been a guy. A guy who fought with his brothers but loved the hell out of them. A guy who’d been crushed by the loss of the mother of his child. A guy who’d do anything for his little girl. A guy who’d been saddled with responsibilities he did his best to bear up under.
I knew that’s why I’d fallen for him. I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t imagine any of those fictional mob leaders doing something as domestic and loving as giving their baby a bottle in a pair of pajama bottoms. I couldn’t imagine them defying the patriarch of the family to save some unknown woman who’d insulted their family’s name.
But Luca had. He’d done both of those things.
I didn’t like that though I knew he’d probably committed more than one murder, not to mention other crimes that would keep him in prison probably for the rest of his life, he could be kind. He could be good. We actually had a lot in common when it came to that.
I’d done bad things, too. Shameful things. Things a man with a more traditional upbringing would never understand or accept. Not that any of that mattered anymore. The moment I’d walked out of that gym I’d sworn to myself that that part of my life was over. The needing men part.
Maybe love and happily-ever-afters existed for certain people, but this incident provided proof that they didn’t exist for me.
So I was done. Put a fork in me.
The jet began its descent into the Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport, and I shifted in my seat. I’d come to meet with Matteo, one of my middlemen. He’d had information he’d told me he needed to share in person, so I’d come. It was my job.
I glanced at the round window next to me and caught a glimpse of Luca’s reflection from where he sat near the back. He’d dressed in his usual uniform: an impeccable black suit, white button-down dress shirt, simple chain and Rolex watch. No rings. Nothing particularly flashy. Nothing to draw the attention of anyone, other than his natural good looks.
Asshole.
I wished I could hate him. Like despise his very existence. I wanted to. I wished he was pure evil, the worst human being I’d ever had the misfortune to meet. I’d like for him to be this demented, inhumane prick, a villain if there ever was one. It’d make handling his presence simpler. Less complicated. Less painful.
We landed and once able to debark, he came to stand by my side. I glanced at him, seeing the lines of worry marring his features, and it made me want to scream. “Stop looking at me like that.”
“I’m sorry?”
“I know you’re sorry. That’s not the issue here. The issue is that you’re looking over here like you’re concerned about me. Like you’re all fretful about how I am. You’re not. So you can just…” Take a long walk off a short pier. Bite me. Fuck off. “Stop.”
If I’d been one of his brothers, I know he would’ve sniped back at me. He would’ve gotten in my face and maybe even given me a hard bump with his shoulder. Or worse. But I wasn’t one of his brothers. I was the woman who’d been naïve enough to fall for him, to have sex with him, to trust him.
My bad.
His expression went rigid, and I recognized it. It was the same one he’d used with me that first day I met him, the stony mask. “You’re saying you can handle whatever’s going on with Matteo without me.” A statement rather than a question.
“Yes.”
“I’ll attend to some other business then. I’ll text you the new itinerary.” Instead of stepping off the jet with me, he entered the cockpit, presumably to discuss the change of plans with the pilot.
Yeah, you do that.
Fine by me.