Shawn Finn stared at her, wide-eyed. He was silent for so long Fiona started to worry she’d given him another stroke. “Are you okay? Should I get Jake? Call Ellen?”
“No, no.” He patted her arm, still watching her carefully. “I think I’m going to need more information. Why don’t you tell me about these parents of yours and we’ll go from there.”
She told him everything. What she’d shared with Wyatt and Thoreau last night. Why she’d gone to California. How she felt responsible for her sister’s death and, even after therapy, was still afraid that with two unbalanced parents, she was doomed to repeat their mistakes.
She also told him that she was in love with her two men, but she’d lied to them enough that she was worried she might have lost them forever.
“That’s a lot, right? I mean, I’m a bartender, too, so I know that’s a lot.”
Shawn wiped a hand over his face and reached for his water bottle. “I think I’m up for it.”
He took a long drink and then set his bottle down again before shifting to face her. Taking both her hands in his, he said, “You decided to be a surrogate, but it wasn’t just for money. Unless I miss my guess, you wanted a child, but you didn’t trust yourself enough to raise one, so you thought this way you’d get the experience without hurting anyone but yourself.”
Her throat tightened. “You think so?”
He nodded. “I also think you being in love with young Wyatt and Thor, and fitting in so well with the family, scared the stuffing out of you, so you sabotaged yourself. If you’re the reason your sister died, why should you get everything you’ve ever secretly wanted?”
JD had said it. Thoreau had said it. Now Shawn. She’d done this to herself.
She sighed. “You’re right about that.”
“But you’re wrong,” Shawn told her kindly, but firmly. “Your parents weren’t well and you were a teenager in an impossible situation, Fiona. Do you blame Jake for his mother being killed?”
“No! He was a little boy and he wasn’t even there—”
“Same situation.” Shawn shrugged, looking thoughtful. “Maybe that’s why you two understand each other so well. I think there’s still a part of Jake that blames himself for it. That’s why he watches after his brothers and sisters so carefully. Why he looks after his father. You. He doesn’t want to be caught off guard again. And no matter how much love Seamus and the rest of us give him, it’s still in there. The fear of it all disappearing. Of us disappearing. Just like it’s still in you. You’re afraid of hurting the people you love. Your future child. Your two young men.”
“So how do I get rid of my fear?”
He squeezed her hands before letting them go regretfully. “You don’t. That’s the crux of it. You’ll go to therapy. You’ll tell the truth to the people who care about you, no matter how hard and scary it is, and you keep talking to them, so you don’t get trapped in your own head about it. You’ll keep volunteering because it’s your way of honoring your sister, and you’ll live. That’s how you beat fear, Fiona Howard. You let yourself love people, you let yourself be loved, and you live.”
It sounded so similar to what Thoreau had said to Wyatt, that she felt something shift in her chest. His insightful words made her want to cry, but suddenly she didn’t feel like she needed to. Not the way she had before she got here.
“You are good,” she marveled.
“I know.” He got to his feet and helped her to hers. “Now promise me, before you do whatever it was you were planning to do with that suitcase, will you talk to Wyatt about the baby? And Thoreau. Give them a chance to live up to the moment. Trust them enough for that. If they don’t, if they manage to screw it up, then I’m wrong about them and I’ll come over there and show them how it’s done.”
She wrapped her arms around him and he held her tightly. This. She wanted her baby to have this kind of acceptance. This kind of love. She wanted her child to know this man. Great Uncle Shawn.
“I promise,” she whispered.
“Fiona?” Jake came around the corner and stopped with a confused frown on his face. “Why are you crying? What are you doing here with Grandpa? And why did Ken Tanaka just call me and tell me where you were?”
“What now?” Shawn Finn chuckled. “How could he know that?”
Jake shrugged. “Her cell phone must be on.”
“What does he want?” Fiona wiped her tears, trying to focus.
“Wyatt and Thoreau are at the townhouse, looking for you. They want you to get there as soon as possible. Sounded urgent.”
“Sounds like destiny to me,” Shawn said with a wink.