Simon nodded as if he understood. He walked to my door, cracked it open enough to look out both ways, then closed the door and leaned against it. “As soon as possible, I’ll ask Rosaleen to begin searching for a place we can hide you until your magic returns.”
“It won’t return, Simon. It’s gone.”
His brows pressed low, and he shook his head. “Gone? That’s not possible. Our belief was that we could not separate the magic from you if you were to live.”
Simon was staring at me as he often had before, his eyes full of hurt and affection, and an obvious worry that if he trusted me too much, I would break his heart again. He was keeping a safe distance, which communicated everything about how his feelings for me had disintegrated. But there was no way around this conversation. I only had to hope that at the end of it, he would still be here.
I said, “Loelle’s theories were correct. So long as I lived, magic could not be pulled from me. I had to die.”
“You died,” Simon quickly echoed. “I saw you die, Kes.”
“Yes. When I attacked Joth with the Olden Blade, he returned the attack, taking everything from me, my life, my magic. My corruption.”
He shook his head, still skeptical. “Then how are you alive?”
Explaining myself was proving more difficult than I had anticipated. It required me to relive the worst of my memories, and to feel the horrible weight of my crimes. I told him about the black disk I had created, how it contained the piece of Endrick’s magic that could restore life, as it had once restored Sir Henry’s life when Tenger—
“Tenger killed Sir Henry,” Simon said. “He told me about that, or tried to.”
“Simon, I’m just me. And I know it’s too late to change anything for us. I know about your betrothal with Harlyn. But I’m asking you to believe what I’ve told you.”
His eyes welled with tears, but he swallowed them down before walking over to my old wardrobe and pulling out a deep blue gown with cream lacing at the torso. It was one that had been prepared for my arrival from the Lava Fields months ago, so at least it should fit me, even if it was more formal than I’d usually worn since becoming the Infidante. And it was a vast improvement from my sleeping gown.
“This should be a simple one to get into because it laces up the front,” he said. “The Alliance cannot offer you any ladies-in-waiting—”
“I require none.”
He hesitated, then cautiously nodded before continuing. “I doubt you’d want Trina or Harlyn’s help here either. Or Imri Stout’s.”
Despite the need for quiet, I laughed softly; then he said he’d find me something to eat while I changed clothes. I was finishing up the lacing when he returned with some bread and cold slices of meat.
“It’s simple food,” he said, setting the tray on a small table in front of my fireplace. “Nobody here is a cook.”
“It’s perfect.”
He sat across from me, eyeing me like we were strangers. I tried to talk to him, but each time I did, his doubts about me were evident in his eyes. How could I say more when he was struggling to believe what I’d already said? Maybe none of it mattered. If Rosaleen could help me find a place to hide, I’d leave at my first opportunity and no one would ever see me again.
I’d never see Simon again, which created a desperate ache in my heart. But that was better than sitting across from him as he pretended his hand wasn’t resting on the hilt of his sword, or that he had clearly left my door unlocked in case he should need to call for help. Anything was better than having to sit across from him now, wanting to be closer to him, to rest in his arms again, but to know that was no longer a possibility.
Finally he said, “I think the best approach is to speak first to the people who are most likely to be on our side. Then we can use their help to convince the others who are most against you.”
“No matter who speaks to him, Tenger will never change his mind about me.”
Simon lowered his brows. “Tenger is dead, Kes. Joth killed him.”
My breath lodged in my throat and I struggled for a way to respond. My relationship with Tenger had always been uneasy, and I had understood nearly from the beginning that he thought of me as little more than a tool to accomplish his goals. Yet it still hurt to hear this news, especially because I knew I bore some of the blame.
Finally, I set down my cup. “I’m so sorry. When I shared powers with Joth, I didn’t know any of this would happen. I couldn’t see it.”
“I know that.” His voice was more tender than I’d expected. “And we’ll make the people here understand it too.”
I shook my head. “We will never get everyone to understand. As long as I’m here, I will be a source of division within the Alliance. I will splinter one person from another; I will divide you from the people you are supposed to lead. We both know that is true.”
“We’ll just have to find a way!” Simon ran his fingers through his hair, and for the first time, he began to look as anxious as I felt. “We’ll talk to them, tell them everything you’ve told me—”
“Do you believe what I’ve said?”
Simon stopped, and when he locked eyes with me, my heart stopped, waiting for his answer. Finally, he whispered, “A lot has happened. I just need some time.”