Jeremy changed the subject after that. I really did like him. He was funny and gave West shit. He was smart and loved football. I could talk to him about it in a way I didn’t with West, and Jeremy got it.
It felt good, someone knowing, like it cemented us, made us real, made me real. There was another person in the world who knew I was gay.
Still, as much as I tried, I couldn’t stop thinking about West and Jeremy together, about them having sex when Jeremy had a husband, and thinking about what that might mean for West and me.
Christ, we really had jumped into this without talking about some really important things.
We didn’t bring it up until Jeremy was gone and West and I were in bed.
“You gonna tell me what’s wrong, Bashful, or am I supposed to guess?”
I reached over and turned on the lamp on my side of the bed. “I don’t know if I can do that,” I said. “We never talked about this stuff, but I don’t think I can be in a relationship with someone who has sex with other people.”
His stare turned hard, almost icy, in a way I’d never seen West look at me. “Thanks for the vote of confidence, Ans. I appreciate the faith you have in me. Did I ask you for that? Have I done or said anything that makes you think I want to fuck other guys?”
“Hey, don’t bite my head off when I’m being honest with you. Would you rather I lied? This is new for me. I’ve never been in a relationship before. I’ve never loved someone.”
“Neither have I!” he countered, his voice raised. “Fuck. Sorry.”
We were both sitting up in bed now, West with his head against the headboard, looking up. “I’m extra sensitive about this because of my father. Yes, I like sex. Yes, I’ve had a lot of it, and yes, I’ve fucked Jeremy—both with Bobby and without. Jeremy and Bobby’s relationship works well for them, but that doesn’t mean it’s the kind of relationship I want or expect to have with you. One of the things my father likes to throw in my face is my sex life—or what a lot of people assume to be the sex lives of gay men. We can’t commit. We can’t be satisfied with one person. I can’t tell you how many times he’s hurled that at me, told me how wrong it is, but the truth is, I don’t think it’s wrong. I don’t think there’s anything inappropriate about me having had sex with Jeremy as long as his husband was okay with it. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with them having sex with other people if it works for them. Who am I to say how other people should live? But that doesn’t mean that’s what I’d expect for us.” He looked at me then, his eyes filled with concern and hurt. “Don’t you think I know you better than that?”
“You know me better than anyone in this world,” I answered. He knew me in ways no one ever had or ever would. “I have a question, though. I don’t want you to take offense because I don’t mean it that way, but it’s important, and I need to know.” West nodded, and I continued. “You said, don’t you think I know you better than that, so is that something you would want with me? Are you only saying no because you know I’d prefer not to? Because…because you’re already giving up a lot to be with me, and if you needed it, I could…I could try to deal.”
He cocked his head, the corners of his mouth curling down. “Oh, Bashful, what am I going to do with you? Don’t ever take less than you want just to please someone else—not me, not anyone—and honestly? I haven’t wanted anyone but you since we met. Even before we had this, you were the one I wanted. The guy I went home with after that one party…I wanted him to be you, and the thought of you with someone else makes me feel murderous, so no, I’m not accepting exclusivity for you. I need it because you’re mine.”
“You’re mine too,” I admitted. I climbed over West’s lap, straddled him, held his face in my hands, and kissed him possessively.
He returned the kiss, hard and hungry. We were both in nothing but our underwear. I rose off him, and he lifted his hips for me to tug his down. It wasn’t working, and we were laughing, so I finally rolled off him, got rid of my boxer briefs, and tossed them to the floor, just as West did the same. I climbed over him again, one leg on either side of him, taking his mouth, pushing my tongue in deep so he could feel how much I needed him.