Fuck, I had, hadn’t I? I’d wanted Jeremy. It had taken talking to him for me to admit that, even to myself. “When it was over, reality collided with my lust, and I freaked out. I’m lying there, jizz all over me, you on the phone, and wondering what it meant…wondering if I even knew myself or how I didn’t see this coming. And then telling myself my whole life hasn’t been a lie because we didn’t really touch…Does that make sense? I’m not trying to be a dick, and I hope I don’t sound like one. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, Angel.”
Angel. Fuck. I should probably stop calling him that. It didn’t sound like a very bro nickname.
My heart pounded as the silence stretched between us. I heard him breathing, so I knew he was still there. When my skin felt too tight and I thought I’d lose my shit, I said, “Talk to me.”
“Sorry. I’m a little stuck on the fact that you said you wanted me. I didn’t expect to hear that.”
“Of course that’s what you’d focus on.”
“You gotta admit, it’s a good focal point, and somehow, I have a feeling you’d be the same.”
I almost told him to tell me he wanted me to try it out, but that wasn’t fair to him. I couldn’t flirt, even playfully, if I hadn’t figured out what any of it meant. “I don’t ever want to hurt you,” I reiterated. “I didn’t mean for it to sound like I thought something would be wrong about us touching. I just…fuck, like I said, I’m confused.”
“I know. I understand that. I apologize if it doesn’t sound like I do. I guess I’d feel out of sorts too if I suddenly wanted a woman.”
“I…I liked it, though. Is it okay to admit that? I don’t want you to worry that I didn’t, but I’m trying to wrap my head around everything. I want to be honest with you.”
“I want that too.”
“I’m…” For the second time, I rubbed a hand over my face and groaned. “Fuck, this is hard. I’m scared of screwing this up…us. Our friendship. I don’t want to lose it…lose you.”
“Jesus, Darren. You’re gonna kill me.”
“I know I’m a handful, but at least I’m fun.”
He chuckled like I hoped he would. “You didn’t fuck anything up. I don’t want to lose you either. Hell, you’ve kept me sane these past few months.”
“Wow…usually I’m driving people crazy, not the other way around.”
“That too,” he replied, then, “so where from here?”
“Can we just try to go back to the way things were? I need to figure some shit out, and I can’t promise I’ll want anything more than friendship.”
“I can’t promise I will either. You’re not that irresistible.”
It was my turn to laugh. “Well played. I missed this…talking to you.”
“I missed it too.”
“Our bye week is next week. Can you get away? Come to Atlanta for a while? Or I could come hang out in Cali.”
I heard the smile in his voice when he said, “You’re not my only friend in Atlanta, ya know? I was already planning on being there. I’m going to take care of some business at the center with West and Anson.”
“Okay,” I replied, wanting to stay on the phone but not sure what else to say.
Jeremy made the decision for us. “It’s earlier for me, and I have some things to do, so I should go.”
“Yeah, sure, of course.” We paused, and somehow, I knew he was waiting for me. “Night, Angel.”
“Good night, Troublemaker.”
Chapter Eleven
Jeremy
Things with Darren went back to how they’d been pre-jerk-off session. We talked on the phone nearly every night and texted when we couldn’t. The easy laughter and friendship we’d fallen into returned. It was crazy how easy things were with Darren. I’d never had that kind of connection where it felt like it happened almost instantly—one minute it wasn’t there, and the next it was, fusing the two of us together.
At random times I’d find myself thinking about what he’d said to me—that he’d wanted me, that he was confused, that he didn’t know what any of it meant or what he wanted it to mean. I took that as him saying, I might still want you, I might get answers and I might not, but regardless, I don’t know if I’ll want to act on them.
That sucked, but if there was one thing I’d learned in my life, it was that you couldn’t force anyone to do anything. People were who they were, and they wanted what they wanted, and didn’t always need what you did.
And now I was deplaning in Atlanta and wondering what it was going to be like to see him. Would we be those two guys who talked and joked late into the night, or would it be awkward? Also, how in the fuck were we supposed to act around Anson and West?