I couldn’t quite bring myself to empathize with him. After all, I was the one who’d been spanked, whipped and forced to do a whole lot of things against my will. Where did he get off being plagued by what he’d done?
I gasped aloud at my own thoughts. I’d been so caught up in keeping him that I hadn’t taken the time to acknowledge how angry I still was with him. I’d known it was there, deep down somewhere. No one could go through what I’d been through and feel no anger or hurt over it, but I hadn’t realized the depth of that feeling. Aware of it now, I deliberately forced it back down—not forever, just for now. Once Derek and I were somewhere safe and I felt more certain he wouldn’t be so easily driven away when confronted with some of the things I was feeling, then I would let it back out again to find some way to deal with it in a calm, rational manner.
Right now, all that mattered was he was still here. Everything else could wait. I was angry, yes, but I loved him, too. I wasn’t a delusional victim of Stockholm syndrome. It’s why I could admit that what he did was wrong and that I had very real and vivid feelings about it. And I was even able to admit that perhaps the things he’d done had influenced me in some ways, but they held no sway over my heart. My body maybe, but not my heart. Derek the man, not the captor, had my heart.
I retrieved the clothes he’d gotten for me the day before and put them on. Clothing still felt odd, uncomfortable even, after being naked for so long, but I had no intention of walking out of the motel in my birthday suit.
Then I turned to the paper bag on the table. Food was another issue I was still dealing with. It seemed ridiculous. I’d fed myself for most of my life, but after five weeks of not being allowed to, it felt strange. I even missed it a little—kneeling between Derek’s legs while he fed me from his fingers and stroked my face. Yes, I was well aware how messed up that was.
It was easier now, with Derek out of the room, so I took advantage of the time I’d been given and forced myself to dig in before he was finished with the shower.
And I was just finishing off the last bite of the bacon and egg biscuit he’d brought back when the shower shut off—I don’t think I’d ever scarfed food down so quickly! I was done, nevertheless, when he emerged from the bathroom, dressed in a towel that was slung low around the sexy taper of his hips. I wanted to tear the damn towel off.
I didn’t move, I just watched as he crossed to the bed and retrieved fresh clothes from his bag. I don’t think I even breathed. Not until he dropped the towel and my breath came out with a whoosh. Derek seemed to have none of the modesty issues that I had once thought were common amongst the human race. Then again, just look at him. With a body like that, it was no wonder he was comfortable in his skin.
“If you keep looking at me like that, Scar, we’re not going to be leaving anytime soon,” he said while he zipped up his fly.
I hadn’t even realized he’d noticed me staring, but I didn’t stop. I knew we needed to leave. He’d stressed the importance of staying on the move, but it had been days and there’d been no sign of any trouble. Another hour couldn’t hurt, could it?
I stood up without looking away. It felt strange to be so bold. I could feel my knees trying to bend, trying to make me kneel like I was used to doing, but I stiffened them and walked straight to him.
He was reaching for his shirt, but I put my hand over his to stop him, resisting the urge to pull back and cower away. When I looked up, he cocked an eyebrow questioningly. He was amused, not angry—at least that was my best assessment.
“I want to…” I couldn’t quite get the words out. I was aroused, but not so far gone that it overwhelmed all my inhibitions. I wanted to tell him that the moment he’d dropped the towel, my mouth had begun to water in anticipation. That I wanted to feel the hard length of him between my lips.
Instead, I did what seemed to come too naturally. I dropped to my knees, but I didn’t wait there patiently. I reached for the fly of his pants and unzipped it. He was already hard, already so much more than I could fit in my mouth, but it didn’t stop me from trying. I circled the tip of him with my tongue first, and then ran down the underside of him and then back. His cock jerked against me, sending a corresponding jolt of arousal through my body.